Current and archived curated/annotated News in Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), or Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD) as collected daily from Google Search utilizing Diigo and by visiting blogs of other people who are also multiples.
--- by Ann M Garvey --- Anns are dissociative and believe being dissociative is something that should be treated respectfully.
Mind Mapping - the NEWS (slowly - work in process)
Friday, September 7, 2012
***9-1-12 to 9-7-12 News Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) - Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD) - Items in RED mead Ann's Google Search Ignorant List
my mom was a good person. she was really nice and helpful. she always smiled and made other people smile. she helped everyone. kids, disabled kids, grownups, strangers, everyone she could help she would. she did lots of voluntear work. she worked at my school, she worked atchildcare, she did arts and craft classes for kids, she worked at disabled schools, she worked with disabled kids, she worked for our church, she did so much!!
my dad's not a angel. he's a good dad and a good person with some ruff edges. but he's not a angel. my mom was a angel.
my mom died when we were 10. she died very slowly. she died very painfully. my dad's still alive. i don't know why. i don't know why someone so good had to die. i don't know why God had to take her.
i wish i knew everyone that didn't help her. i wish i knew all those doctors and those ambulance drivers. i wish i knew who they were so i could tell them how much they failed to help save a angel. i wish i could tell them how they helped my mom die. i wish i could tell them how much pain they helped make. i wish i could make them pay for not helping her. i miss my mom so much... i wish she hadn't died. but if she had to die, i wish she had died in a better way...
@SoulHealr “If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.” ~ Mark Twain
@SarahEOlson2009 Harborview Center for Sexual Assault ~ Creating the Trauma Narrative [SEO: This free treasure trove of 11 .pdf client handouts can help you (preferably with your therapist's guidance) to create a trauma narrative -- to tell your story and help make sense of it. The .pdf handouts range from describing your feelings about being abused, how it has affected you, a letter to the perpetrator, remembering what happened, telling the sexual assault secret, and much more.]
@StevenHandel “You’re only given one little spark of madness, you mustn’t lose it.” ~ Robin Williams
Quick post while someone changes someone’s diaper. :) I ran 5.5 km today in 42 minutes (pitifully slow for runners, quite great for meeeee).
His spoken language is just exploding, if you know which syllables he is likely to be leaving out, and I think part of it is sheer upset at not being able to communicate everything to everyon
(And we kind of want to do that too, except you know, not at 2:45 am.)
(There is, however, a very cool adventure playground in town…as well as beaches, if I am brave.
(His teacher reports that he eats well and sleeps well and cries a lot, but for clear reason, like being told he can’t scale the drawer handles, so she thinks he is doing fine.)
I mean…it gets ridiculous at that point, to be whiny about it. But I am a little, inside, because I have been sort of muscling through some life burnout with the view that I would get to the cottage, get to write, drink a glass of cider on the porch and enjoy
I’m in the process of surrendering.
Carl is groggy but ok. He did have a bad tear but the surgeon thinks it is repaired
Direct and not waging some kind of war on my kid sounds good, but it’s only week one. Still, each day Noah seems to breathe a little better.
With all this in my head it is really hard to be a good editor. My judgment is peaky and my concentration is shot. I know I can get it back, but it feels wobbly.
figuring I’m smart enough to resolve it all myself — results in big errors and burnout.
Except I'm also mad and excited and a bunch of other things and I've been thinking about starting to write here more again.
My second year of graduate school has started and things are going better- less stressful- than last year.
I also think it's not just the fear and shame stuff. It's the fact that I AM doing better. And that's been something of a struggle for me to see and grasp recently too.
And my need for other people to know I was hurt? How will people know if I am not suffering?... Because I will write on this blog and post images of my art. Because I will keep talking about the abuse I survived and what it did to me and the abuse that other people live through too.
I’ve just regained my sense of time and space after having been in a dissociated state for roughly 5 hours.
It was really bizarre, because it seemed as though I had time-traveled and was witnessing my possible not-so-distant future. I can’t help but wonder if perhaps I was experiencing an alternate plane of reality. Maybe I was seeing another dimension, maybe I was in a parallel universe, maybe I was experiencing a vision of what will be
Feeling the letdown I always feel when I am invaded by my “real” life. That vs. life while on a vacation jam-packed with stuff to keep my mind on fun.
My husband asked if I was excited to go. I said, “I” was but parts inside were not. I came to recognize that I always feel this when we go somewhere we’ve never been before.
But if there is communication between alters and myself, between all of us, I can better know how to navigate the triggering things.
This little war rages until I arrive at said place and begin to feel at ease. Then I am fine.
I will listen.
Terri is right in that the distress of me having these things stuck in my head and him not knowing only makes the distress/disconnect worse.
I realized that the more “I” feel in control and like things are going well, the worse my inner ones feel. There is this pendulum and this week they have been on the left and I have been on the right and none of us have met in the middle.
We took the pontoons out for several hours each day and they were the funnest thing I have done in a long time. Probably because I got to drive my own and explore as I pleased. The lake was serene and I did not want to leave but mostly, I just want to keep the borrowed pontoons.
Processing is undoing the lies.
I have sat and felt frozen today. Unable to do much of anything. The shock she is feeling is overwhelming. The shock I am feeling is also overwhelming. The trapped, hopeless feeling she has is overwhelming as well.
I am still triggered by how quickly people jump into bed together and change partners as if it’s no big deal. And I am triggered also by how this behavior is glamorized. As if having sex before even knowing a thing about the sexual partner is going to lead to happily ever after.
And here we are. We can do this. I keep telling myselves that. WE can do this. WE are not quitters. WE are resilient. WE won. They lost.
I’m the protector, the one who needs to be in control, the one who has to make sure that the system runs properly and the others don’t get too far out of hand in one direction or another.
One thing I needed to do was to start moderating the alters in a way that hasn’t been done yet.
However, due to my own development from being merely a protector to becoming the main alter, I’m developing new sides and new feelings.
I had distanced myself from him in recent years, knowing that his asinine bigotry was a trigger for me.
We need to work on setting up some functional boundaries or something because this triggering cycle is getting fucking old.
Lets just simplify the whole situaiton: I am willing to pay whatever it fucking takes to get the last traces of my abusive fuckhead of an ex out of my life for good.
In 2008 I started seeing a Psychologist, something I had feared to do since I was 15 and had an inkling of being a multiple but had shoved it down hard so much I believed it wasn’t real.
I’m getting to know these people and their wants and desires. All of them are interesting to me, all of them are valuable. Even the ones who don’t like me or don’t want to come out around me are useful and special to me because they are part of her system.
Secondly, he contacts me only to criticize a post I made days ago, not to check in and see how I am doing, not to see if my kids are ok, or if my husband is home safe or on a deployment somewhere
My son brought home a cold from school and took down the whole house. :0( I am pushing through what I need to get done for work and will otherwise sleep today.
My sister, Lydia, let me know there are a bunch of comments posted about the drama with momster from right before I took an end-of-summer break. I do want to catch up on them — I just need to kick the cold first. Please hang with me. ~ Faith
Listening to my body is such a new and exciting experience for me that I will probably keep returning to this topic as I explore it.
I was unable to connect with my body for so long because of the disconnection after the child abuse.
One of the interesting things about checking blog stats is that the search that brought people to my blog is recorded. Most of the time it is just random searches for quotes I posted or other stuff but this question I thought needed an answer.
Roots to Blossoms courage to hit publish tilted my courage to write today's post. The debate ran around like squirrels on a hamster wheel. NewCounselor mentioned at my last session that I dress like a frump. Shouldn't have bugged me, but it does.
Shock waves rocked my world when I realized after integration that dissociation into multiple personalities was how I coped with PTSD.
My mother used fear to keep me from premarital sex. She had worked in a children's hospital and told me of the deformed babies and birth defects of babies born of teenage mothers. (She left out the part the early teenager years or those on drugs or any other qualifier.)
Enjoy your day what ever it holds...it is your day...I am headed to work.
Funny thing is I don't talk to other people about my kids very much. They are precious to me. I want to protect them. I want more than anything to be the best mom in the world.
I mostly shook off the feeling but kept necklines as high as possible to cover my nothingness.
Integration proved to be hard in some ways and the main way was the realization that all those weird clothes in my closet were all mine. The shame I felt intensified.
iding in ill fitting clothes that totally camouflaged and hopefully made me invisible.
There have been over 2000 spam comments since I started our blog. Actually its 2300 and counting. Can you believe that? Do other people have the same problem on their blogs? Its good wp has a way to catch spammers, otherwise you’d be flooded! I am glad its there, the wp spam filter, and I am glad its free too.
It is not about sex it is about power. Problem solved.
The mental health field is skewed towards the female view and all that entails.
It helped remembering that after thinking about my brother.
It was more about the confusion and the knowing I was never gong to be loved.
I can not know if i just happen to know how my brain/mind works on a different level or if it is different. It does not matter any more.
We do deal with the reality that many of us have had more time and they tend to need more time now as they deal with things in the now that take a lot of time.
We know a lot more about it now. When we process or grieve we have a weird energy. I can only describe it in how “normal people” exhibit kinda the same thing. I observed this at a college campus a few years ago after the Virginia Tech murders.
The most common staying grounded in the present.
We do know intellectual what we wanted to do which is to draw a mandala which for us is a shield to put off some work and do stuff and hold the work we need to do. It is also a way to integrate.
Talk to me. Tell me why I am here. Why do I come here once a week? Tell me why I am there.
I just had one prevailing thought at times as to the questions he would pose to me – my thought -“You are the professional, don’t expect me to know the fucking answer to your inane questions!”. I’m still very capable of becoming extremely agitated at ridicules questions.
I don’t feel apart of the world you live in. You ask questions about people who live in your world. I don’t want to live in your world. Ask me to leave.
“I understand.” No you don’t understand what happened the last year of my father’s life and my relationship. You have no fucking idea and pretend to understand my life. No one can change time. Time doesn’t heal. You can’t bring back time.
bout this photo: “Sunsets can be quite calming, and when you deal with mental health issues, finding calm can be important. This sunset helped me find calm on a particularly trying day. I was agitated and frustrated, but also depressed. I needed an escape and I found it in the form of a sunset and taking photos. I have often found that taking photos can help bring me back from difficult mood states so I can deal with whatever people or situations I need to deal with.“
Wed. 15th - went with Rich out to the lake and then to dinner … had uncomfortable day with younger parts … Rich then gave a Slurpee, but took the older parts some time to talk, snuggled and then Rich left at midnight for fishing
Thurs 16th - considered dusting, saw Dr. Marvin again, up until 2:30 am, parts had problems because of being “out with mother” during Dr. Marvin’s session - no one to protect them from her - competitive sexuality, discussed getting Julie’s quilt being quilted after Jillian's wedding, posted news cycle
Okay, this is pretty exciting news, but I wanted to say that we are very happy that when we checked today the Google search for “news dissociative identity disorder,” we were the first link on the board! The secondary link was on the second page. This is a really big deal to me. It was something I was looking for that would be an indicator that our news site was being recognized online.
For most bloggers the idea of people coming to your site is the idea that the more people, the more strength your organization has. At least that's how we look at it. On the other side of that coin, is to be developing ourselves at all times so that we are offering a product that people are interested in - if they find our site(s).
What has had us so preoccupied this morning has been again revising the “About Us” section on our main blog, who would have guessed that it could take so long.
The first time we started writing poetry as an adult we discussed servicing the adults and in both these functions, we were servicing my mother's narcissistic needs. She didn't want to deal with us and she didn't want to deal with laundry, or shopping, so she manipulated those situations to be to her benefit and not to ours.
We seem to do a lot of time just watching his face to see the different expressions even though they are minor. For somebody that gives a straight face, it is pretty exciting to watch his face. I know when things make him happy, excited, confused, and concerned. I'm guessing it's not supposed to be the patient's job to read the Doctor, but after 13 years of being with him, there has had to be some perks! He never disappoints, AND I would imagine the exercise builds trust.
I don't think anybody beside Adobe does what Adobe does, so they certainly have rights to their costs – though again we’re much more up for MOOC’s, TEDs, Khan’s and other programs like that. Nothing though will take down how grateful I feel toward Carey for helping us out at such a critical point in our life.
I'm sure that he and others like him at Adobe deal with professionals that are just over the top. It's really an honor to have been given this package. I feel I’ve been given a lifelong quest – WITH the horse to now carry me forward.
We are pretty active on Facebook. Despite family member following us there, just like they do on Twitter, we see no reason to hide who we are, how we feel, what we think...
Whenever we get e-mailed questions (about religion, DID, other mental health issues, etc.) that require a very long answer, we generally choose to respond by writing a blog post.
The future is so close.
We are in a strange place, mentally, right now. Happy...yet yearning for freedom, independence...and our future.
This is an ugly election year, filled with ugly. It's dragging us in. It's seducing us. We can not keep our mouth shut when confronted with blatant lies and misinformation. Greed. Hatred of people. Cloaked in what is supposed to be accepting and loving principles. It's disturbing the shreds of our soul, it makes our heart ache, our stomach queasy, our body ache with fear.
We've been asked, by an alter* of a system* who lives their life with acknowledged DID, advice on suppressing thier core*, specifically theirs.
So, we caught some highlights on CNN. And holy shit. We got the link this morning so we could watch it end to end (and supply it to you). It was everything a political speech should be.
When someone with Dissociative Identity Disorder talks about their core, if they are able to (core/alterawareness varies among systems), they are talking about the one who makes many of the decisions for the system.
So, despite the possibility of both political party nominations being no better than the other, we are still going to vote, we are going to vote with the side that feels like it cares about the inalienable rights of the America people. The people who understand what it means to be a responsible compassionate American, and who understands that it doesn't mean forcing a personal, religious, agenda on people.
There is speculation, even among some professionals, that none of these methods are 100% effective and that there is no true way to eliminate, or integrate, cores or alters.
Because we value truth, and we value freedom. We value human rights and we value progress. We value our future. We value America. And webelieve in America.
As a kid I was used to having nightmares. I had nightmares all the time. I never even knew what a ‘wish fulfillment’ dream was until I was about fourteen and read up on them – part of the psychology training that my dad was giving me.
I learned these were the first things one should learn when arriving in a foreign culture – the words for politenesses and requests for basic necessities required for human life.
In it we had come back to the ‘hood – the object of my hidden desire: to be once again where my true friends did not change, where the neighborhood and everything in it would remain the same. The same dirt road with the same people living up and down it, pretty much as I had left it . . .
“You mean it won’t all be the same?” I could hear my inner child asking me and so I asked.
“No, of course not,” she replied, turning back to the counter messing with something.
In our mind’s eye we started seeing: this was a dream that could come true, this nightmare and ‘stuff’ – meaning the feelings and horrid emotions that went with loss, grief, anguish, loneliness – and this staring-you-in-the-face despair that no matter what you do you will flounder in loss.
And yet our inner child held onto that dream – still does; I can see it in his shining face with his memories of sunshine and running into the wind across the white sand, the cloud puffed sky blue, the sun warm on his back, and the excited calling of his friends ahead; bare feet pounding on the road . . .
There were a lot of things to see and do, but the Germans – they were good. Just strange to my twelve year old eyes at the time. As I learned it all seemed normal, until I was being accepted by them – which is good.
But we always stood out – Americans always did. And it seemed no matter where we went – we did not ‘belong’ there. We were there for a reason, and that reason was leaving . . . all the time.
Well, everyone, I am doing okay on my recovery from the fall. The meds are helping and I am only doing as few of those as possible. They tend to make me dizzy and nauseous and then later give me a massive h
I’ve been packing everything up lately and am happy to report that I think I am half-way done. At least I think and hope so. If not, I should be at that point today.
As a treat I went to the Dairy Queen and had an ice cream sundae. It was very good.
It may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg. We are like eggs at present. And you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg.
~ C. S. Lewis
My doctor told me to expect that it would take two weeks to recover.
Still, I wish and hope that in the future I will be able to do more and not be so tired out.
At the beginning of the week there was a horrible day. I got injured. It was someone else’s fault and he had the gall to blame it on me, woo hoo, victim blaming, you can probably figure out how well that went over with me.Well, it didn’t. I told him a thing or two.
Which should be very sweet and something rare to happen in my life; to be all ready to move at moving time.
Right now I’m feeling grounded. Not much, but beggars can’t be choosers.
I know I keep saying this; that I need to find a new therapist, and that I’ve been saying it for a while. As I might have mentioned before once or twice, trust is a huge thing for me.
The thing about hearing or reading something, if repeated often enough, is that at some point it will break through the barrier that’s surrounding me. No matter how hard the shell, even if one’s only equipped with a tiny needle – will eventually shatter the hard surface – and it will crack. My hope is that it will crack in time.
Blocking things out comes with a price. The price is exhaustion. Mental and emotional exhaustion. Having to spend so much energy on notthinking leaves me wide open for the darkness.
What I really wanted to say is “thank you”. Thank you for sticking by me and believing in me. It m
So we have a delimna, its a unusual one but its true for us non the less.
The idea was to train you to not give an inch to not make eye contact or make friends.
Now this isnt a new thing but as time has gone by this is getting worse far far worse. I have this terrible urge to smack the fake condescending smile off their goddamn face.
Yesterday i went to therapy and spent some time with rachel walking through google earth. It was harder than i thought it would be, here we were giving rachel a glimpse into our world, a world that has been filled with terrible agony and loss and betrayal. But it was more than that i walked with rachel to places that were still there and it rose in us a sense of complete loss of sadness and grief.
We didnt want to face pain again and the best way of making sure that didnt happen was to stop any chance of pain coming by shutting down on the outside.
But grief still travels with us, it builds deep in the chest and sometimes lurches into the open in the strangest of ways, it has consumed us, keeping quiet eats away at every cell in our body, it keeps us trained to be ashamed and to live according to fear.
Walking rachel through our world was a trust for us.
Season changes have always been a challenging time for me. Last fall I was transitioning to school during a seasonal change and I ended up have a rough time. So way before the fall this year I planned, theorized and prepped myself and my alters.
I still think like a writer–all that formal training is still deeply embedded. Narratives still mean a lot to me, and lately I’m confused about my narrative about meds.
I’ve been trying to keep politics off my blog. I guess I’m afraid I’d lose readers, people wouldn’t like me anymore, they’d say mean things, and I’d be all alone again.
Had plans with a friend to get coffee before I went to my kung fu class
But no one talks about politicians’ stances on mental health care. We like to pretend there’s no longer stigma attached, but anything that can’t be discussed openly is still stigmatized. And when there is public conversation about mental illness, its causes and solutions get way oversimplified. We need to have a real, in-depth public conversation about it.
In college, I came across the anti-psychiatry movement.
My worry with politicians who have very little knowledge of mental health issues–and even many who are knowledgeable–is the tendency toward forcible and/or coercive treatment.
I got so desperate I even had 29 ECTs, which helped only temporarily.
What we need are TRULY informed lawmakers.
What I want is for someone to convince me everything will be okay, burnout one can do that.
I mean, how can I be mad at big pharma and mainstream psychiatry if meds really do help me and I really do need to take them for the rest of my life?
My husband just called me on the phone and asked about therapy.
I haven’t been mentally right all day and a few seconds ago I was hit with a sudden, deep sadness that put me on the verge of tears. I’m slightly overwhemed and don’t know why I’m being hit with this now. I’m trying to breath…trying to either not cry…or just give in, but they won’t come either way. Just that teary tightness and anxiety.
Let me put in to context just how out of character it is for me to say this. I never miss a therapy session. Individuals? Always there. If she can give me extra time? I’ll take every second. Optional group therapy? Count me in. Educational workshops that I could probably facilitate myself? I’m there! I jump at any chance for healing.
But since K. was away on vacation for the majority of August, those parts have not been forward. Instead, parts who are much more independent or prefer to work alone have been forward.
Realistically, I know K. would never think these things. These are things my mother would say.
I find that no matter what I do in life, where I go or with whom, I always end up feeling guilty and being responsible for other people; most significantly for their emotions. It’s a strange thing, but I often wonder if one of the reasons we have a hosting team rather than one host, is so that we have enough bases covered to not make anyone miserable and to not hurt anyone.
So we had our first session with Ben today, and it actually went better than expected.
Granted, a lot of the bad feeling is based on the comment she made in our first meeting regarding “those alter things” but also the fact she hadn’t even bothered to check google to find out what DID was.
I also asked what he thought the aim for therapy should be and he didn’t say anything about integration which was a positive for us, as we don’t want to feel like we have no option except what he says
I’m also starting to suspect that that is a large part of why our system is disproportionately large to the abuse – we have just continued to split to cope with relatively minor things.
Today, I lost one of my pet rats. I never cope well with loss of my pets, and this was no different. I feel a strange mixture of anger, disappointment and sadness.
He seemed to be aware that some of the system were observing him and that I wasn’t alone, but dealt with it well when I confirmed that this was indeed the case.
I’ve experienced a whole range, a roller coaster between fear, abandonment, anger, apathy, self loathing and more.
Thanks for making my elephant "elephant of the week"! Have a nose at my newest painting over at Anxious E
It made me think of Hawkruh’s beautiful story about the feather which grew the wrong way. Go and have a read, it is a lovely story!
She told me I had become a burden to her and she had to leave me to it so she had time for herself, because her own relationship was suffering due to the stress of this situation.
I didn’t reply. I didn’t want to in the heat of the moment. At first I felt shocked. Then the tears came. Not the silent type of tears, the messy type with big sobs where you can’t catch your breath and you saturate a tissue in ten seconds flat.
I guess I also feel like this is going to impinge on my abilities to trust again in the future. This is also scary – never trusting again.
General consensus is I should sort it out instead of ignore it.
I have yet to explain the situation. Part of this is because I’m worried about how I’ll be judged, but really I need to quit worrying about the judgement – I write this blog primarily for me, the fact that others read it and understand the situation is a bonus.
There was the fear that they wouldn’t be strong enough to handle the way I felt, my fear of abandonment and guilt that I had to rely on someone else, when I had always made the effort to only rely on myself.
I’ve never really don’t understand poetry. I don’t understand the hidden meanings, and I get lost very quickly. But, as I was reading the following poem about hope by Emily Dickinson, the tears came. I could easily see the bird as a metaphor for hope…
I’ve often joked about the figurative neon sign above my head that reads “Go away!”… But, those jokes cover a variety of issues that I experience – an inability to trust, be vulnerable, and basically experience any emotion without dissociating.
Sunday was Fathers Day in New Zealand. As the day was approaching, a friend asked me how I reacted to the day – whether it needed to be something on my radar of potentially rough, or triggering days. My response was a rather confident and nonchalant…
I do things which I consider to open the door to communication, but also look for any hint that the person isn’t genuine, interested, or able to reciprocate in any way. Depending on the level of involvement that I am expecting to have with the person, I then decide how much energy, and risk I’m willing to take.
This year however, was different… Very different…
This is the question that I’ve been asking myself… I wonder about it because if I’m more aware, then that indicates a level of healing that is positive in the long-term… But, if this year was bad purely because I approached it in a different way, then that could indicate that I’m back-sliding by “looking for triggers”. Either option is possible, but the latter seems more likely.
I could do with some hope…
I’d look at food, and it would morph into something unpalatable and impossible to eat… or, just the thought of food would make me have a panic attack. Often there would be no context for these previous issues with food, and they seemed like random occurrences. I could attribute some of them to stress, but not all of them… Now, things are different, it’s like I’m living in that space all the time.
The thing is, she was genuine… she wants to help, but she doesn’t know how. When you combine this lack of knowledge, with my defences, you have two people stuck, circling each other…
Another friend once told me about looking for the windows of opportunity in a situation… the windows where there is the possibility for you to choose a different option, or way forward.
Once, a wise, eccentric woman took a stroll down the street to enjoy the crisp, fall air. While on her walk, she spied a three-legged dog leaning against the rickety porch post of an abandoned house. She noticed that the dog shook uncontrollably and wondered what was wrong.
As you have most likely noticed, we are adapting to a new reality. Jaime is doing a fine job of maintaining things currently, though he is far from the fun-loving and carefree young man he used to be. We are not working as a system, he is fronting with some specific co-consciousness from Anara, and the rest of us are primarily dormant.
All our energy has been going into reading, processing, discussing, and addressing the nature of our formerly held beliefs about ourselves and our family of origin. An unimaginable spurt of healing and energy has resulted from our realizations after talking with our father last week. Incredibly, after being entirely open and honest with him, and receiving only his abusive denial and meanness in return, we have turned a corner.
his is merely an acknowledgment that our host Jaime is not inclined to write and feels there is not much to say here at the moment
The book is one of many deriving from an important psychological movement in the 1980′s, the Adult Child movement, which highlighted the importance of family systems and the damage caused by various forms of family dysfunction.
i was really struggling with depression before this happened and i wasn’t strong enough to front much then, but here we are and the situation is an emergency and i’m needed to be in control.
(there is a distinction drawn between mental illness as a chemical and neurological issue, such as with schizophrenia, and emotional illness such as depression, anxiety, personality disorders, and DID).
It even went so far as for him to deny Bunny’s abuse even though he remembers it, and to ask for us to alleviate him of any guilt in the acquisition of our disorder, either through maltreatment or neglect.
We are getting by, but everything about the present, and the future, is so frightening and uncertain.
It becomes a circular loop — I was mistreated, it was unfair, now I am sick, why? because I was mistreated. That is completely valid. But unhelpful for us at this junction.
I still believe that having a sense of humor about life’s struggles is fantastic, and I really want to be able to bring fun into our posts again.
I’ve worked hard to move past the sarcastic, offensive humor
We are committed to healing the “person” we have become and taking responsibility for our life now. We are not going to live as victims anymore, because living as a victim is an addiction that many never can give up and it brings no joy.
I appreciate all your words of kindness and encouragement. I want to be past this awful era of my life, I want to be better *so* badly.
I was diagnosed with autism at the age of 2, when it was still known as ‘Childhood psychosis’. I had had episodes of daytime apneas on and off all my life.
I binged on dairy foods I was severely allergic to, unaware that the salt wasting was washing out much of my calcium-magnesium. I also had episodes where I’d eat high salicylate fruits and appear to be ‘drunk’. But all of these things were deemed part of my being ‘a psychotic child’.
I don’t blog much about me and my parts or the relationships between us. I am still trying to figure out if it is because I feel that it is private or secretive.
That is what I heard from three different lawyers when I complained about the “medication error,” The Institute of Living (IOL) had inflicted upon me.
Victims of “legitimate rape” can’t get pregnant because a woman’s body will shut down and prevent the pregnancy. Rep. Todd Akin (R-MO) actually said that—in other words, he’s saying that if a woman does get pregnant, she must not have been raped.
There is a list of difficult clients that floats around each Local mental Health Authority (LMHA) called Personas Non Gratis. It has clients considered “high utilizers”and “Axis II’s” in essence, people who are challenging or even high functioning who just don’t shut the fuck up and take what measly crumbs are offered.
This week there were several new articles about, should those who download child pornography pay the victims, rapists seeking custody of children, Sandusky fitting the sex predator profile per a report, an American Friar claiming teens seduce priests in some sex abuse cases, a woman released in the Dutroux case, an article by R. A. Dickey on how to fight child abuse, a new book on MPD and ritual abuse called 22 Faces as well as several new resources and references on child abuse and ritual abuse.
I wrote a post about DID and numbing a while back. Unfortunately, I have been unable to numb my feelings during this situation. I believe I can't numb because all of my alters know and love my sister. She is connected to the entire system, so I get to feel the full force of this grief. I wish I could shut it off.
15 hours and 30 minutes until I need to leave for the airport and I am packed! (You might have the impression that I am quite excited about going on holiday AND YOU WOULD BE RIGHT!!)
There is not really much to report from LittleFeet Land and Happyville.
For now, I am meant to be focusing on my dissertation plan. I’m not particularly keen on this because I’ve only just finished clearing the kitchen table of journal articles and essay plans from the previous two modules. I’m loathed to mess the table up again! Priorities, eh?!
Also over the bank holiday weekend, I bought a new microwave! I felt like a real grown-up.
life has been chaotic and my senior year has finally begun, hence the lack of regular updates—or updates altogether. to whet your appetite, here’s some of the stuff i’ve been thinking through as of late…!:
is it worth it? am i worth it?
after months of grappling with these questions, i am still wondering–and honestly–i hope i never stop interrogating my investment in certain ideals, desires, and practices. but look forward to some exciting new posts this upcoming month…and regular ones at that too!
Once again I've been missing some time - not big bunches of time, more like 30 minutes here, 15 minutes there. Or just forgetting who I am for a few minutes. Once it began, my consciousness whirled around me like a strobe light. It lasted about 2 weeks, but left me scared and leery of every day.
This always starts when I get overwhelmed with life. My family. My mother.
I haven't been around much lately and now that I'm not working long hours anymore, I'm going to be her more. I hope you all are getting thru the day with strength and tenacity.
We were able to get reservations at THE B&B whose website I'd found. The trip was booked. Before the vacation, I began to get internal messages as I always do.
Indeed, I did see things in my photos and also began to feel healing. It was Gracie who surfaced and who recently integrated into my heart in early June this year. This is the photo that most impacted me.
New pictures of her showed her healed and an adult. This brings the term "parallel universe" into play. How did that happen? Is it just a story given to me that is coincidental to my travels? How did I manage to go to 44°N twice without conscious realization?
My beloved adopted grandma, died on Monday and it has been a hard two weeks for me. I’m still trying to process it all. The memorial service was today. So maybe next week I will get to write more on the subject. till then I’m just drifting.
[SEO: "Yesterday I was at my psychiatrist’s and I wasn’t doing terribly well. It seems I’m a little stressed. Turns out being a well-known mental health writer is a smidgen more challenging than one might think. And so one of the recommendations my doctor made was to do some mindfulness training in a local program. Instantly I felt myself rile against the idea. Internally I was feeling very resistant against yet more therapy."]
In fairness, every psych office I've ever visited -- specialists or not -- had the receptionist behind glass. Perhaps it's more about boundaries than to convey how crazy you are? Beyond that, this post resonates for me, including the idea that a cup of coffee (or whatever you drink) can ease your wait. My cup has long been an aid, both in the waiting room, and in sessions. It's a small thing that helps to keep me present and centered.]
One of the most helpful things to me in the last month has been scheduling my days the previous night. It motivates me to get out of bed, to do my workouts and to make sure I get done the things that actually need doing (even things as simple as showers and meals)
I went to my primary care physician this afternoon to discuss my adventures in weight loss. Just so you don’t hold your breath, she said nothing that was surprising. So, what DID she say?
I’ve been texting my schedules daily to Therapist, and that helps me remain accountable for doing the things I said I was gonna do.
So overall, the message was: continue being patient; I’m doing everything right; and once beyond the initial phase of body readjustment to new lifestyle, I will start to see the weight come off and it should go a heck of a lot faster than it has been for the last 6 weeks.
I realize that I have, inadvertently, chosen to hide parts of myself from the world because of how people have treated me. I don't expect people to change – I mustn’t. I have to exist differently to claim any experience other than what I have before.
I am here again. Discouraged at the prospect of finishing the work I started. I tell myself, repeatedly, that I can do this or I will come out on the other side of this swamp. I have not been able to find answers lately.
The latest question is, what is all the rave about therapy? I
If my logic confuses you,
then maybe it is because you think differently.
I just don't know how to do therapy anymore.
I read a passage from a book today that spoke about the difference between having a cure and healing. It isn't that a cure is the wrong thing but more that it fixes the manifestation of a problem; whereas healing addresses the source of the issues that manifest themselves in a variety of ways.
What is it about someone/anyone, who has done you no harm, reminds you of a part of yourself that you are afraid to face? What old skeletons in your closet are reanimated when we interact?
What is the point of talking about something that has no right answer.
We just have to be able to see, listen, explore, ask questions and be willing to be uncomfortable. Some times that involves agreeing to disagree. How else will we grow?
I’ve been walking around with this awful feeling for weeks – maybe months – and I couldn’t name it. Couldn’t find the words or the pictures in my mind. Nothing to conceptualize. To give it a name is to give it wings and let it fly away. But this one sat like a lead balloon.
Just a few minutes I saw it clearly.
I need to stay present. I need to stay here and now.
First day back at work today. It was great to see people again (kids don’t come back until next week, though).
But wow, I am super tired.
I had therapy yesterday and it went pretty well. I should probably write about it before I forget everything, but I’m not in that space right now.
But, because I am here and haven’t done it the last few days, I am grateful for:
I did manage to get a run in this morning, and I’m glad I did.
I have had this dream before, of sleeping in therapy, and I think for me it must represent some ultimate level of safety.
I’m going to put my alarm clock across the room so that I can’t just reach over and hit snooze, and see if that works.
My positive memory of the day is, once again, my run. When I was a kid, I think sports saved me in a lot of ways–both because they gave me something to do outside of the house, and because they were a way to feel good in my body.
Thirty patients with multiple personality disorder had one or more of Schneider's 11 first-rank symptoms at initial assessment (mean = 3.6; range = 1-8). The author describes these symptom categories, eight of which were noted in the patients he interviewed, and illustrates them from the patients' case material. He suggests that inquiry about first- rank symptom phenomena may be a valuable diagnostic clue to the presence of multiple personality disorder.
A jury found him not guilty of reason of mental disease or defect, and a judge sent him to the Taylor Hardin Secure Medical Facility in Tuscaloosa.
But the state Department of Mental Health determined in November that Bentley, now 35, never was mentally ill and that, under the law, he should be released.
Mobile County Circuit Judge Michael Youngpeter conducted a multi-day hearing on the matter in January. In April, he ruled that Bentley does have a mental illness — dissociative identity disorder — and should be sent to a state prison.
The judge ruled that the Department of Mental Health must keep Bentley in “forensic restriction” until the transfer and treat him for multiple personality disorder. The judge also ordered the department to and contract with Dr. Kathy Ronan or another medical provider to treat Bentley for the disease.
Presiding Criminal Appeals Judge Mary Windom wrote in a unanimous ruling that the judge has the authority to transfer Bentley but that it “can locate no law that allows a circuit court to dictate a treatment regimen for any individual that the Department is charged with treating.”
Bentley confessed to killing Jamie Ray Tolbert, 24, of Lucedale, after kidnapping him from a Biloxi nightclub during the 2000 New Year’s celebrations. He told investigators he wanted Tolbert’s new SUV, and he later decided to kill him “just to see what it was like.”
most of us keyboard sleuths said this many years ago, i sure did, especially after her break down and when i watched this video of her alter switch
wow wtf, irreparable harm immediate danger wtf really ? someone is really trying to keep the info in these files secret, obviously the files document her mind control, mpd, and abuse. spears just might be the one slave that will crack open this pandoras box of hellish demonic black magic mind control that has been perpetrated on humanity by inner dimensional demons and reptilians, this is bananas
I will write to break the taboo surrounding mental illness, the system is failing people who still have hope, it is failing people with these illnesses, the general public don’t fear physical illness and yet all they have to hear from someone is “depression” or “multiple personality disorder” and they run a bloody mile and they judge (ofcourse this doesn’t count for absolutely everyone but the only people i have encountered that have understood are the people who have been through it themselves, and there is a LOT of them) . . .
Breatharianism = Lying, Sleep Walking Or Multiple Personality Disorder
I want people to think about this topic very clearly. So-called 'breatharians' are either lying or they actually think they are breatharians because they have MPD. "Statistics show the rate of dissociative identity disorder is .01% to 1% of the general population."
With this knowledge, it's safe to assume the rate of breatharians is 0% of the general population.
Here's another thing to think about, if there really were breatharians, don't you think they'd video tape themselves for a month straight as proof? If they did that and had proof, they could make millions, perhaps even billions of dollars off of rich people by showing them the steps to become a breatharian.
Do you think Obito has Multiple Personality disorder. I mean he was able to fool most of the Akatsuki, the Leaf 11, Kakashi, Yamato, 4/5 of the Kages, Sasuke and Heibi/Taka. That at first he was this Retard TOBI and then that he was Madara Uchiha. Do you think he was just a good actor, or was he really messed up in the head.... Personal I think he's a little of both to be honest.
he crazy....he tried to kill baby naruto...
Hm, you don't necessarily have to have a personality disorder to do the things he did. He could be just a really good manipulator.
Can someone with Multiple Personality Disorder have Alzheimers in just some personalities?
No, because Alzheimer’s Disease is biologically-based, being induced by plaques and fibers. Hence if a person who has Multiple Personality Disorder is supposed to have Alzheimer’s Disorder, it will manifest in ALL of his or her personalities. If it is not the case, then it is STRICTLY NOT Alzheimer’s Disease, but probably a comorbid Psychotic disorder.
Word, the only evidence that MPD (now called DID) exists is self report. But, having worked in the field I have seen MPD’s that was paralyzed in one personality and not in others, the trauma was her husband threw her off a roof while they were roofing it, she went into another personality and was unaware he did it-he told everyone she fell. So, she’s in a wheelchair, five years later she appeared and recalled the event and divorced him. She had a personality that was about 7-who talked to me and said ‘ you have had a very troubled life’, she was correct but it made me feel better, her mannerisms, voice intonation all proved to mee she was a child or an academy award winning actress.
So, my daughter's father found out that I had DID and got the courts to file a motion to take her away from me. I'm currently going through court to get her back. I have never done anything to abuse/neglect my child, there has never been concern for it, and I have no record with Children Services or anything like that. His case against me is that I loose time, I switch, and I have gotten suicidal. That's it.I can't afford a lawyer as I do not have an income.Anyone got any good ideas, tips, advice, things I need to bring up during court that might help?
I have Schizoaffective Disorder, Obsessive Compolsive Disorder, and Dissociative Identity Disorder (Multiple Personality Disorder). Be kind to me please, I'm really messed up.
"I don't know who I am," Carla pronounced at our first session.
Many young people harbor this "Who am I?" uncertainty, and it can re-emerge for any of us during dramatic changes in our lives. However, most adults possess a relatively stable sense of identity, and, when asked, can describe their core personality traits.
There are certain mental conditions that can mess with identity big time, including uncontrolled bipolar illness and certain personality dysfunctions, such as the highly debated "multiple personality disorder." Carla is not beset by either of these challenges, and her physician ruled out anything physically amiss.
But others, like Carla, demonstrate many facets, some constituting polar opposites, with each taking turns in the mental driver's seat. While this tendency is often labeled "moodiness," it may actually represent greater personality trait diversity, something that is often associated with creativity and adaptability.
"It may help to think of yourself as being like an actor," I suggested to Carla. "You step in and out of many roles, many personality styles. Messy and confusing as it might seem at times, that's who you are."
Her task, then, is to find peace with her multifaceted identity.
Happy Labor Day, those who are celebrating today. For everyone else, Happy Average Monday. This week’s Monday Mini Mixtape comes courtesy of me, Alex Naser-Hall, the new Artist Relations Assistant in the Music Department. The theme of this week’s collection of songs is “nonexistent” in that it doesn’t have one. My musical taste would lead one to believe I have Dissociative Identity Disorder, which I am quite fine with.
Give the tape a go by downloading it at this link HERE, and be sure to support the artists that you’re feeling. Let us know on twitter@invisible_music what your favorite songs are. Let’s get this going:
i dont know when i got him but he is a scary personality. every time i get really made or hurt he comes out, and when i come to the person he hurt is in pain on the floor. my friends call him amuy (a-moo-ie) my name backwards. they have descirbed him having very scary eyes and that he doesnt talk much but he refers to me as master. saying things like "i cant let you hurt master." i have been doing tae kwon do, and kickboxing my whole life so he has the use of moves that make him even more dangerous.he rarely comes out though, but he always talks to me in my dreams, he looks just like me but in the dreams he has red eyes and black wings. i dont know if this second personality is just that or my inner darkness try to show.
Here go some of the best korean comedy movies we have seen so far. If you want to know anything else bout the movies ask us ’cause we have seen them all. if you want to see more movies,
2 FACES OF MY GIRLFRIEND: 23-year-old Gu-chang has never been kissed and his friends always make fun of him not having a “proper” experience. One day, he picks up a lost purse, which leads him to meet the owner of that purse, Ani. He falls in love with this lovely girl who is also a bit strange and wild. She seems to be a perfect girlfriend for Gu-chang only until he finds that Ani has multiple personality disorder due to a harsh memory of her ex-boyfriend’s death. Ani is just one of her alternative characters, and her real name is Yuri.
I took myself to Barnes and Noble and they had one, just one book on dissociative identity disorder in stock. The book was alright, a place to start.
At this point I realized that I needed to put my fear on the high shelf if I had any chance of evaluating the situation. As an investigator I approached a case with as few preconceived notions as possible. I just kept turning stones until there were no more stones to turn. So I took my fear of DID and put it on a high shelf, and went to work. It started to feel like the good old days of investigating. As an investigator I was never afraid of the truth.
There are other things rolling around in my head, but I’m too exhausted to go any further with this. But at least I’m freaking about it less. This is a good start.
Does anyone else have this? I get lots of support from everyone on the forum and I'm so thankful but I sooo need to relate with someone who understands. It seems so hard to find others like myself.
It would be so nice to have someone to talk to about all the things other people don't think about but affect me so much.
Like constant switching, and how scary it is when I can't keep my mind in reality. Always wondering who's been in my apartment and how they got in. Ugh. Its too much. That feeling..of not feeling anything. Feeling emotions that aren't mine. If anyone who is DID besides me is here please reply.