Mind Mapping - the NEWS (slowly - work in process)

Thursday, August 16, 2012

***8-13-12 to 8-16-12 (Ongoing up to 19) News Items in red meet Ann's standards as being on the Ignorant List



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    • It’s been slow going because I’m a survivor of abuse. However, this stuff would be tough for anybody to get through, but I think it’s harder for people who  have experienced and witnessed violence. 

    • I move beyond my old limitations and allow myself to express freely and creatively.

    • Try loving that child. Starting can be rough. I had to understand him first – his search for love.

    • Even though I’m NOT a morning person, I have to say I do love the early morning hours just before the sun comes up. Everything is so still and quiet. People are still sleeping, and the only noises to be heard are the occasional chirping of the crickets and birds, and the humming of hummingbirds wings.
    • I’m feeling really good today. Perhaps it’s because I’m leaving to go on a road trip later today. I love road trips, and driving.

    • Yesterday, I shared that I had recovered a flashback
    • Today I am going to write about why I think this is information I needed to process.

    • I’m kind of in a rut right now. I’m having a really hard time knowing what’s right from wrong. I don’t really know how to explain it…but it’s tearing me apart. In the last 12 months I have heard numerous times that what the people in my past did to me was wrong, horrible, and not okay. But because I have the tendency to push people away, it’s all happening again.
    • So, I’m lost.
      • Do I walk away, again, or do I stick it out?
        • I so wish this test had materials to study… that I didn’t have such a tendency to push people away… and that for once, my life could just be quiet.
           

    • Life is a series of experiences, each one of which makes us bigger, even though it is hard to realize this. For the world was built to develop character, and we must learn that the setbacks and griefs which we endure help us in our marching onward.
       
      ~ Henry Ford

    • ow that I am on the other side of that great weekend, things are starting to crumble
    • I was wonderfully distracted, but now at home the distraction is gone and my mind is being flooded with thoughts I can barely contain and it is becoming increasingly difficult.

    • It feels lame to post about good days, and these posts sure do get a lot fewer hits, but so be it.  I had a good day, and if I never document good days, this blog isn’t representative.
    • But of course a good day doesn’t mean that all my problems and issues cease to exist; it’s just a day without any major triggers.  I do think that my good days are due in part to the work that’s done mentally on the bad days.
      • I’m grateful for the ability to feel.  Here I guess I am touching on the general gist of this blog.  I spent much of my life being pretty numb, and I was frequently overwhelmed by the intensity of feelings when I did have them.
      • This whole experience of feelings is just a matter of being in the moment, and feeling what that moment contains.  

    • It is said people with DID can have alter activity even if they are asleep.... which can explain some missing time... feeling tired in the morning... waking up in other rooms ... stuff like that...  Yes yes it's weird even for me.... but it happens...
    • I'm hoping at some point to capture a picture of her.. but that won't be so easy since i'm sleeping...
      • Tonight I am going to leave my computer on in hopes of seeing Ju Ju in action..... wish us luck....

    • The blue tiles lined with a hopeless effort to fit in. The floor always reflecting a self conscious, fearful, younger me, who thought she had everything under control.

    • But there’s also something really relaxing about talking with people who just know you on this other level – the one where you grew up together, danced at each other’s weddings, etc.
    • On the drive home I was all full of extrovert goodness, eager to share the joy.
      • I know this will sound cheesy but…I have had so many times in my life that I felt so alone. Times I truly was, and times I just thought that I was because I didn’t reach out.
      • I made that decision a few years ago to fucking get over myself or whatever my issue was with my inadequate self/home/cooking/whatever and just reach out. The Internet really has helped. (But this dinner also shows how much getting together in person is a million times better.)
      • Not to get too editor-advice-like on anyone but if you have a friend out there you have been missing, just freaking tell them them that. :)

    • Some of us drink. Some of us smoke pot. Some of us take pills.  It’s a very common practice among the mentally ill.  I just wrote a blog post about that very subject:  Mental and Self-Medicating  I’m only human.  I have weaknesses. I have problems with moderation and self-control. But I am far from being a junkie.
    • Whomever this chick was, she needs to read more of our tweets before she judges us. 

    • Some of us drink. Some of us smoke pot. Some of us take pills.  It’s a very common practice among the mentally ill.  I just wrote a blog post about that very subject:  Mental and Self-Medicating  I’m only human.  I have weaknesses. I have problems with moderation and self-control. But I am far from being a junkie.
    • Whomever this chick was, she needs to read more of our tweets before she judges us. 

    • 13:00 – Continue working
    • 16:00 – Chocolate break
      • 21:00 – Cycle back to the castle. Reflect on how much work I’ve done.
         
        22:30 – Bed
         
        Lather, rinse, repeat.
      • I cannot believe quite how much work I have done in the last few days. My routine is completely unsustainable… But do you know what? I’m loving it!
      • I think I’ve even experienced that flow thing (getting lost in time but not in a dissociative kind of way) Mihály Csíkzentmihályi wrote about. Cool, huh?

    • There are also thing about being in a relationship with someone who has DID that aren't always easy - according to him...*shrugs*....we don't always understand, because we think we're as normal as females are, generally speaking.
    • We still don't think we're worth it, and some of us know we aren't.

    • It is now clear that when I was 12 and this may be true for some cults I was given what they thought was an opportunity. In a way I was put on the cross roads. In my case it was three times.
    • What they really were offering is I could do well on my own and if I did they would take credit and they would only really be about any advantage to them.
      • The over all effect is I do not accept help from anyone. I do things totally on my own. I stay so far away from being part of the old boy network it hurts my work. If someone does something for me I make absolutely sure I pay them back a min two fold. Other than my therapist who I can never repay.

    • Conspiracy time: Isaac suffers from multiple personality disorder...
    • In that case Samson would be Isaac's pent up rage against everything, bloody lust making you stronger the more you kill enemies.

    • I became my wife’s caregiver, peacemaker and sometimes a target. She suffers from Multiple Personality Disorder. Nothing was ever easy or went smoothly. At times my life and safety were seriously compromised. Finally, I became overwhelmed by her illness and after the years of turmoil and uncertainty I left. I felt I had no choice but to take care of myself for a change. How do I get rid of these guilty feelings that I have?
    • If you are taking her to physicians for help, then I’m sure they are telling you how to “best” handle her situation. You may be all that she has right now, and if you give up on her it could equate to the same as stealing her last ray of hope… No one “chooses” to be sick, and if your wife could talk to you rationally from her “main” character I am sure you’d know what she would say to you.
      • I suggest you think back a couple of years to someone reciting a line that went something like “For better or worse and in sickness and in health”. Then I suggest you do whatever you feel might be the next “appropriate” thing to do… and please let “all” your wives know that I said “Hello”.
      • She puts on different wigs, dresses, and changes just about every way she canCome to think of it, isn’t this the normal thing a woman will do for a  man?Wouldn’t every man like to have many different wives just for fun?
      • Having different women can be freaky, and sometimes it can be a lot of fun
      • So that in case ANY of them get angry or even madI will bolt out the back door and become a “fast” running ladBecause when I’m laid up in a hospital,at least I’ll still have humanityBecause if she is tried in court, she’ll get off for temporary insanityThen no matter how much I cry or even sobI’m going to be afraid, because she might just come back, to “finish” the job… 

    • Do you think if a woman had MPD it would be possible for her to physically do everything the Ripper did?
    • The throat cuttings were particularly deep and savage and required a good amount of force. Also, some of the ladies may have been a bit difficult to subdue and required to be "handled."  On the other hand, we DO have lady weightlifters.  Possible? Yes.
      • Firstly, any woman regardless of mental condition could do what Jack the Ripper did. Certain parts would be harder, but not impossible. Secondly, Multiple Personality Disorder doesn't exist. Disassociative Identity Disorder is the name of what you are thinking of, and it is not quite the same. It's also incredibly rare, if it exists at all, and most people thought to have DID are actually psychotic. However DID has a lot to do with social norms, the victims having experienced abuse or incidents well outside societies definition of normal. Because social norm were different in Victorian England, and impoverished children especially had no expectation of being treated in a certain way, it is highly unlikely the disease ever even presented before the the early 20th century.
      • Multiple Personality Disorder was renamed to be Dissociative Identity Disorder. It is rare, and it is in fact quite possible for this mental disorder to have been around at the time of the ripper.

    • O’Hearn is now online in an intriguing Web series of his own creation. In “Alter Ego,” he plays an ex-wrestler on the verge of transitioning to A-list movie stardom, but his mind begins to work against him and his grasp of reality becomes increasingly frayed.
    • So, basically I had an idea for a superhero with a trait that I’ve never seen any other superhero have: his main fault is that he is possessed with a multiple personality disorder. I put pen to paper and started writing out the story.
      • It would have to be the “triplet scene,” where my character is confronted by three of his mind’s personalities – which were all played by me.

    • Herschel Walker, the winner of the Heisman Memorial Trophy from 1982, made a special visit to Naval Hospital Camp Lejeune Aug. 9 to speak out about mental health.
    • In 2008, Walker published his autobiography titled “Breaking Free.” In the book he announced, for the first time, his battle with dissociative identity disorder, more commonly known as multiple personality disorder.
      • t wasn’t until he learned of more dangerous blackouts, in which he told his former wife he was going to kill her, that Walker decided he needed to get some help. Through the help of his pastor he found a hospital where he began treatment.
      • lthough DID can be dangerous, through treatment Walker is able to control it. Walker said he began to love his personalities. He became the person he is because of their actions.
      • “The best thing that ever happened to me was going to the hospital,” said Walker. “It was the proudest moment of my life.”

    • Definition of dissociative identity disorder

        
      1.a psychological disorder characterised by the existence of multiple, distinct identities or personality states 2.a diagnosis of the above states as determined by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (the DSM).
    • abbreviated as DID formerly known as Multiple Personality States (MPD) further information on http://psychcentral.com/disorders/sx18.htm andhttp://www.pods-online.org.uk Examples 1. Lucy lives with DID 2. Lucy's amnesiac episodes are caused by Dissociative Identity Disorder.

    • Finding a Qualified Therapists Dissociative Identity Disorder Interview Questions  Below I will share with you some questions that you might ask when interviewing  a therapist. Make sure that you look through them and add your own. Bring them  with you to the interview and take notes. It will also be important for you to  know what ‘model’ of therapy they will be practicing. Following the questions, I  will provide a quick explanation of each – and you can research further if need  be.

    • (Orignial Air Date: 05/04/12) Sarah took her two young boys, ages 2 and 4, to the gas station and ended up missing for 13 hours. Claiming no memory of what happened during that time, Sarah says she came to at an area hospital miles away. The boys were found alone in the car at the gas station by a convenience store clerk who called the police. Authorities were able to get in touch with Sarah’s husband because her phone and wallet were found in the car. She has been arrested on child abandonment charges and is awaiting trial in June. Did she really lose her memory, or is she making the whole story up? While at Dr. Phil, Sarah undergoes a polygraph examination regarding her memory of what occurred during those 13 hours. Don’t miss the shocking results!
    • aving just watched, I'm confused as to why Dr Phil isn't seeing dissociative identity disorder as a possibility. Granted I'm not a medical professional but just from what I know of D.I.D. , I believe that is something they should look into.
      • I was wondering if Sarah had some type of mental problem, such as disassociative disorder or multiple personalities, if that could interfere with the results of the lie detector test?  I mean obviously somewhere in her subconscious she could possibly know what happened and her conscious have no idea.  A lot of times one personality is not aware of what another one is doing.  I believe this poor woman is telling the truth and just has no idea where to turn for help. 

    • It was the middle of Summer in 2008 — a total of 7 years after I had been diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder at the psychiatry clinic where I walked in reporting a feeling of dread that I might actually have multiple personalities.
    • And then he showed us a documentary on Kenneth Bianchi, the Hillside Strangler, who attempted to use Dissociative Identity Disorder as a legal defence when arrested. I was mad within the first five minutes, because I could tell so immediately that he was faking, based on my direct experiences with the disorder.
      • At the end of the class, I waited to talk to my instructor about DID. I couldn’t tell if he had me figured out as soon as my question left my mouth, but if he did, he didn’t care when he said “Frankly, I’ve never met anyone with Dissociative Identity Disorder who is functional.” His words cut through me, my heart sped up in a panic that he was judging me, and tears rushed to my face as I flushed. I told him, in tears, who I really am, after the final marks came out.
      • I started seeing a psychiatrist who had a special clinical interest in psychotherapy, late in 2009. He was the first professional to take my no-drugs boundary seriously. He was the first person to validate me (instead of instantly rejecting everything I had to say) when I spoke of traumatic memories and relationships.
      • I simply walk straight into life-threatening interactions with people who prey on other peoples’ vulnerabilities, and it isn’t until I am being harassed, emotionally blackmailed, stalked, sexually assaulted, raped, sodomized against my will, battered, or even threatened with being trafficked as a sex slave, that I fully comprehend for the first time just how much danger I am actually in.

    • Cold Feet and Multiple Personality Disorder
    • The panicking will start (meaning I’m having some type of fit at least once a day) about two weeks to ten days before the event (the event would be the day I leave, in this case), it’ll peak three or four days before the event, and it’ll stop two days before the event happens.
      • Today marks my final “full week” in the country. Needless to say, my panicking is in full swing. I’m starting to say “I don’t want to go anymore” out loud, my to-do list on my iPod Touch is getting longer, and the fact that I’m not checking things off is making me panic more… it’s never a good thing.

    • I cannot tell exactly when this all started, but about 8 months ago I was going through a very difficult period in my life, and this resulted in a lot of stress and I thought I was going mental, hearing another voice inside my head more and more often.
    • ut lately she has been possessing our body more and more often, and I don't quite like things that she does, like smoking or spending time with some suspicious people, and I can't even know for sure what she does, because she is present all the time and I'm not. I'm not sure what to do.
      • It seems like we've taken to each other, like sisters maybe, but I find it uneasy that no one knows, and she wants to keep it a secret. Is it even okay to keep living like that? Our friends are getting suspicious. They say the look in my eyes is that of a different person.

    • I'm not sure if it's a recognized disordder or now, but I know two people whp claim to be diagnosed with DID. Neither of them and/ or their 'identities' are influenced by culture or religion.  One of them is a more extreme case than the other. And it's not a new or recent issue that they have been faced with.  One of them is 30 now and states he was diagnosed with DID between the age of 12 and 16.  Like the person above said, i think any mental illness that is not accepted socially, religiously, or culturally is pinned as a sort of "religious trauma." main reason being lack of knowledge or understanding.
    • think being non sprirtual is related to identity disorder  When you are spiritual, you discover your true nature, your talents and skills, your true potential, your self worth.
      • In field of psychology there are serious questions about DID or even if it is a disorder at all (it is still listed on DSM). I remember one of my professor telling us that he has never met anyone with MPD in his entire life as a practicing psychologist. However, from what I have read, DID does exists & its shaped by cultural/religious influence from culture to culture (possession by demons/jins/ghosts, etc). In cultures where mental disorders are not well understood, spiritual explanation may very well make sense.

    • I was diagnosed with DID 10 years ago. Been on and off in therapy. Tried 100's of meds. Can you be helped if your currently being abused? If you dont know who is being abused how to you stop them from being abused. How do you stop the switching?

    • I'm having an issue with a part who LOVES to abuse substances of any kind - to dangerous levels.
    • This part in particular carries a lot of pain, most of it I think. How can she get so much help?I am really new to DID and this substance abuse thing has become a huge issue and trying to get a handle on it has been really hard as I've learned that others help.
      • What are the possible explanation for this in the world of DID? I'll take guesses or theories or personal experiences. I know every system is different, but please please please help. I've got to get this under control before my and my 20+ parts end up in rehab pointing fingers at each other.

    • after I realized that my intense triggering came from that letter, I sealed it in an envelope and gave it to my best friend to read.
    • She is going to hand-deliver the letter to my therapist since she will see him before I will. That way, my therapist and I can hit the ground running talking through it when I see him.
      • The most disturbing thing is that these are the only parts she felt were safe enough to talk with me about.

    • It was kinda funny I woke up and went to swing my legs over the bed. Well there is a wall there.
    • I went to the other side last night. That in part is what the bridge I had to build was.
      • She is a fisherman. She knows how fish cycle through out the day.
      • Somehow what happened last night was tied into my yesterday morning.
      • I know a little bit about what that was about.  
      • I have never sought this bridge keeper job. I do not like it. Right now in this moment I know I have always had it and it has always been a part of my life. It scares me when I am not in that role. It does not bother me a bit when in it.

    • We can do this, right?
    • We decided after a few minutes of bad mojo that we should take another look at the Dr. Marvin picture.  Yes, that’s about how we roll.  Just whatever it takes to calm our system down. 
      • I wish I were perfect in this, but we’re not … just 9 times out of 10 we’re ok with being on our own a lot, and it is ESPECIALLY, because we have the writing and the reading options. 
      • Dust and me are like … hey if you don’t bother me, then I’m not going to bother you.  If you ever find yourself wondering how I do it all … just think … oh yeah … the woman doesn’t dust!

    • I am going to try to do some of the things.  Number One is to list three new things you are grateful for each day, for 21 days.  Number Two is to journal every day about something positive that happened that day.  Three is exercise–I’m already working on that one.  The other two are meditation and random acts of kindness.
    • I also wrote to T about ideas of things that would make me/parts feel comforted, and I realized as I was writing that all of them had to do with outside of session things.  I don’t think the things I came up with are actually the most important, but I think they showed that I am still wanting reassurance that she continues to exist and think/care about me between appointments.

    • At times the anger becomes overwhelming — at the abusers, at the people who deny it happened, at the people who cover it up, at anyone who looks or acts like the ones who hurt you.
    • Because of these things, I have DID/MPD, PTSD
      • Those things are real. They happened.
      • I have to keep telling myself these things, because it’s easy to spiral down into no-one-believes-me land, where no one is functional. I know no one outside of me truly believes me. But we inside believe me, and that’s all that matters.

    • Last night there was much emotional upheaval, and the body went through a lot as well.
    • Today, I have just been trying to take care of myself as best as possible.

    • I found myself so relaxed. And since my son did not want to do activities too close to the falls, i found that there was no recurrences of those nervous pinpricks where i thought someone might be trying to say something.

    • I listened to my friend’s opinions non-judgmentally, and when it was my turn to speak, I was able to answer her rationally – while still maintaining my boundaries.  So, here were my responses:
    • I had to remind myself that my friend has never met K., and she has never really been interested in my therapy before, so she is just misinformed.
      • She has allowed me to formulate my own goals in therapy.  She supports my goals, has educated me on dissociation, and shared skills with me on how to live with dissociation.  Of most importance, K. has a sense of professionalism.  She has strict boundaries which eliminates confusion (example: she has a “no touching/no hugging” rule which at first I hated but now I understand is very important to my healing). 
      • I know K. will comment that my System supported one another via internal communication to stay calm and rational. 

    • Photo taken by Josefine, a swedish photography student currently based out of Los Angeles.
    • The reason she decided to pursue photography full time is because she saw the impact pictures can have on people, both by looking at them, and making them.
      • She wants her pictures to be a voice to those that have no voice of their own yet, and to bring out the beauty hidden in the midst of brokenness.

    • This link and video may cause triggers or make you cry or help you understand you’re not alone or something else I don’t know or haven’t thought of.
       

    • I think phobias exist when ignorance persists.  Maybe I’m preaching to the choir here, but WE-we, who struggle with mental illness–have a role in setting new views for treating mental illness.  For me, it means letting people know who I am, and what I’m about through my blog and within my close circle of friends.  It also means getting outside my comfort zone of angst to share information about what it’s like to have DID with medical communities.
    • After all, the point is to educate the public about the relationship between child abuse and many mental illnesses.  This is information too few people understand.

    • feels like we're going crazy. nothing is real or safe. #

    • get rid of it even, I could do it, put locks on the doors of everyone and everything that isn’t allowed out anymore. Just in one fell swoop deny those parts any more interference with my life
    • And before you tell me that no, I couldn’t; yes, I could. And I could do it well, I could force myself to have the most beautiful, normal, fulfilling life. I could, and if she could fall in love with me again, I wouldn’t need much else in life to be happy.
      • I know. This is what bargaining looks like. It’s sad and it’s painful to look at, and it’s a lot moreso to experience. I’ve never hated co-consciousness more than right now, because everyone can feel what I’m going through and I can’t do anything about it. And I’m just waiting for the point when it becomes too much and I am pushed inside while someone else takes over for awhile — I keep hoping for it to happen, but I’m too stressed out and upset to initiate a switch, it’s like the worse I feel, the tighter my grip gets.

    • the body reinacts and pains over these last two of which no one knows what is happening other than the body sensations.
    • no one wants to know what these last two are about.
      • nyone out there given that information wanna know what happened back then? Fuck that! We fucking lived thru it, probably something that caused a split in people, a core split of which we don’t have the host to be the center at this time.
      • it has caused an earthquake, more shit piled up, our 5 part host is now shattered and 40 pecent still unaccounted for
      • i think that most of us survivors went thru it once and shouldn’t have to be forced to revisit it over and over. our brain is fucked.

    • This weekend I made some progress on Vampire: The Masquerade – Bloodlines.  Probably the most famous character from that game — given that she’s on the boxart — is Jeanette Voerman, everyone’s favorite Malkavian.  Jeanette & Therese are the most interesting characters in the game, in my opinion. 
    • For those who have played the game, or don’t care about me spoiling it, you’ll know that Jeanette & Therese are in fact the same person.  Voerman (as I will refer to them as a combined individual) has a split personality, officially know as Dissociative Identity Disorder, formerly Multiple Personality Disorder.
      • I, however, disagree with this.  I don’t think Jeanette ever existed on her own as a person.  She was always a creation of Therese’s mind.  It fits with the profile of Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID).

    • Multiple Personalities, now knows as Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), is the single most controversial diagnosis in the diagnostic manual.  Most would agree with that statement I think.
    • One of the most bizarre aspects of this diagnosis and its promoters is the wish to have their cake and eat it too.
      • DID patients, therapists and promoters seem to have a problem with responsibility.  Basically they can disavow responsibility for anything with negative consequences for the patient/client/consumer but otherwise expect the world to treat the DID patient as a completely competent and responsible citizen.  Does that sound just a little too convenient?

    • This is a horrendous article. I have read Stranger in the mirror and it's a great book. Loftus even attacks the SCID-D that Steinberg developed. (Steinberg Clinical Interview for DSM-IV Dissociative Disorders)
    • The Most Dangerous Book You May Already Be Reading
      • Presents information on the book 'Stranger in the Mirror,' by psychiatrist Marlene Steinberg which focused on Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). Discussion on the relation of DID to traumatic experiences due to childhood sexual abuse; Views concerning the test developed by the author to detect DID.By Elizabeth Loftus, Ph.D., published on November 01, 2000 - last reviewed on December 23, 2010

    • Cases like Hans' seem to hint at a rather exotic idea: Perhaps more than one "person" or "personality" (whatever that means, exactly) can inhabit the same brain. That's certainly what bestselling authors like Flora Rheta Schreiber and Daniel Keyes insisted when they wrote their "true-life" accounts of patients with multiple personality disorder.
    • The problem is that that disorder has proven to be too controversial for comfort
      • Certain regions of the cerebral cortex help those processes feel like parts of a unified whole, in both physical and conceptual terms, but "identities" and "personas" are both likely to be products of the human imagination.

    • … One of the most baffling mysteries of multiple personality disorder is how alternate personalities can sometimes show very different biological characteristics from the host and from each other.
    • There’s no mystery. The body is just a vehicle for the mind/spirit/soul to experience this density of what we call physical reality.
       
      David Icke calls the body a genetic spacesuit, since we need to wear our bodies in exactly the same way and for the same reasons.
       
      If a person has allowed or has been possessed by various spirits or personalities, they will perceive reality differently even through the same sensory organs.

    • I actually just found out. When I told people I had alter Egos, everyone thought I was being funny and it was my choice. It's not. Though it's kind of enjoyable at times, it's gotten my in trouble.
    • Truthfully, it's almost like my life hasn't changed, knowing. Other than uncontrollable outbursts that are NOT my thoughts.
      • That's it! None of them ever try to physically hurt others. Truth is, I don't mind the in my life.

    • But apparently some parts of me are terrified, and yesterday these parts got overwhelmed and I lost control of them and of my whole system.  It started out simply enough. Just your typical rapid heartbeat and shortness of breath. 
    • I thought to myself that if I were in front of company, then surely my parts would behave and I’d be able to act natural.  But that’s not what happened.  I sat down with them and opened my beer. 
      • I have to be strong today. I can’t have a meltdown again. Hopefully I got it all out of my system yesterday. We shall see… *crosses fingers and toes*

    • Most of the time, I have my life together. I live the life of an organized neat freak and I love it. I love my life and all the randomness that encompasses.
       
      Today wasn’t one of those days, it was one of “those” days. I didn’t get triggered or get any new memories I just felt overwhelmed by the progress that I have made in the past few months.
    • I have been going so fast through my memories that sometimes I forget to connect them to myself because I know that is when healing takes place. I called my T today and she told me what I needed to hear “even T-Rex’s have rough days”.

    • Among the many interesting aspects of getting to know this woman as I share my own self with her is that I have a fresh person to tell my trauma story to.  That is always an inevitable occurance now.
    • Part of the reason this happens is that everyone’s view of the world and of other people in it is colored by what they understand about how earliest experiences shape how one lives the rest of their life.
      • I can attend to in my thoughts and feelings — or ignore as I do whatever else I need to be doing right now — is giving me a renewed sense of, yes, the blessing of a growing ‘safe and secure attachment’ in my life that we all so deserve and need.  These kinds of friendships are, I find, most rare.  I NEVER take them for granted.
      • We take our own self to a story that anyone else shares with us – no matter what the medium used to convey it.

    • We are in two places at once.  It is two separate entities that are aware of each other and both of them are me. We are used to the astral projection. This is different.

    • As a warning, I’m a bit (lot) angry today, so this may well read more as a rant, than reasoned discussion…

    • I just called…
    • To say hellooooo out there.  I figured this is a good way to start writing again – to just do it.  The first post is always the hardest.

    • If I had to choose between having a physical problem with great parents (as it sounds like he had) and a strong body with abusive parents, I think I would take the former.

    • I thought about it and I realised that here, on my blog is the only place I am ever authentic. In real life I put on a smile and pretend to be fine.
    • I haven’t got the energy for anything much at the moment. I’m depleted and it all feels too much.

    • I must go
       
      Go far from here
       
      To a place where people care
       
      To a place that has no harsh edges
       
      To a place where no one is left behind
       
      It is there I must go

    • I just wish I knew what was eating me. Like some small itch scratching, nervously about something unkown. Otherwise, we are ready for 2 days of fun and i am also looking forward to see what the house looks like when we get back.

    • There are far too many stories of the grandfathers house and finally i think we are ready to start sharing them, there is nothing more we can do the secrets have to be exposed for unless we do we cannot recover.  This has become a journey of trust we now trust rachel as our therapist and for that reason this horrid recovery work must commence.

    • And I have long known that the Internet is a unique medium with a lot of unpredictability. I have mostly been comfortable with that by working at maintaining healthy boundaries.
    • I also started having broader issues. This blog is one aspect of my life that I keep somewhat separate by being careful not to share, for example, my full name. But aside from that, I have been very honest about who I am, what I think and what I feel. From the beginning I said if I could not be honest, then what is the point in having a blog in the first place?
      • At some point, it would be nice if I could live the life I want to have (and deserve to have) in a more easy way. But it has slipped my mind that healing is a journey. A long journey. Probably a lifelong journey. And not a lifelong journey that you come back every now and again. Instead, I have been satisfied with where I am right now and have not really been pushing myself to heal more or achieve more internal awareness and personal insight.
      • It really only takes a second to reality check that I have plenty more work to do. I am still massively influenced by triggers, can quickly become emotionally destabilized or fragmented, struggle with recurring memories and flashbacks (even new ones), still have some significant issues with safety, and still very much am held back by negative core beliefs.
          
        I cannot get around the fact that healing requires a focused type of effort.
      • The bottom line is that it is not about one's own individual impact. But rather it is the impact of collective voices. And this blog is one piece of that.

    • I’m still as passionate about all the things I was passionate about before mental illness took over. I care about people, society and equality and I’m prepared to fight for those who cannot fight for themselves.
    • I have read the new mental health strategy; I could write many responses to it and indeed cannot rule-out many, different responses to it appearing here on the blog over the coming days. I was trying to be generous when I set-out to read it; I thought it was too ambitious to expect that dissociative disorders would be addressed at all. I was prepared to base my response around the proposals to address trauma disorders- PTSD, C-PTSD, DDNOS and DID.
       
      I changed my mind and I have the Scottish Government to thank for this, for reminding me that stigma, even self-stigma is damaging.
      • I encourage anything that helps fight the stigma against mental illness and I’m pleased by the second point raised in the strategy that recognises that it is the mental health system that stigmatises us the most. What I’m less pleased about is the Government’s commitment to work with SAMH (Scottish Association for Mental Health) and see me- two organisations that both fail to acknowledge dissociative disorders in their publications. I’ve asked SAMH in the past why this is and they have failed to answer.
      • That is stigma. How am I and others like me going to be protected from stigma if the organisations who claim to help represent us and claim to help tackle stigma do not recognise we exist?
      • I would like to see a cross-party group on complex trauma disorders and dissociative disorders established within the Parliament, I would like people and politicians to discuss dissociative disorders the same way other topics are discussed.
         
        In the absence of NICE guidelines to offer guidance and protection for those of us with dissociative disorders, we need something statutory. We deserve to be taken care of the same way as everyone else.

    • Contrary to the media’s portrayal of DID, this coping style can appear hidden to others who come in contact with the individual. It is not as apparent as it is portrayed in movies and television. Though it is not always readily observable on the outside, it causes great frustration, confusion, pain, sadness, and shame internally for the client. Kluft (2005) quotes Gutheil’s description of DID as “as psychopathology of hiddenness (p.635).”
    • Studies have shown that for those with DID, it is not enough to treat them solely with methodology designed for trauma. They, in fact, show much greater improvements when the dissociative aspects of their life are directly acknowledged and treated.
      • The International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation treatment guidelines supports a stage oriented process to treatment for these clients whereby they begin working on stability, empowerment, symptom reduction, and skill development (stage 1). They then go on to work on processing the trauma (stage 2), and end treatment with personality integration and rehabilitation (stage 3) (Brand, et.al, 2009 & ISSTD, 2011; Spring, 2011; Baars, et.al., 2011).
      • The “path in” to dissociation is marked with helplessness, disempowerment, shame, and a sense of personal failure. The pathway out is through empowerment, belief in one’s own innate abilities, and the acknowledgement of personal strengths and successes. Therefore, it reasons that a solution-focused theory would be the most appropriate set of guiding principles to follow.
      • The skills of grounding/mindfulness and emotional regulation will continue to be elaborated on and practiced regularly. The skill of containment will be introduced and practiced. The skill of containment is the ability to set aside disturbing thoughts and emotions for the moment. It is the ability to set things aside temporarily until the time is right to pull those thoughts and feelings out to process them and deal with them. Containment is essential because it allows the client space away from their problems. It allows them to function between sessions during the trauma processing stage of treatment. Throughout the course of therapy and their lives clients will need these core skills of grounding, mindfulness, and emotional regulation to maintain stability during the work and later in life (Boon, et. al., 2011).
      • Other skills that will be focused on are those that improve the daily life of the client such as improving sleep, self care, the establishment of a routine, healthy/balanced living, relaxation, health care, etc. Strategies to help clients recognize and mange trauma related triggers, intrusive memories, and planning for significant “holidays” connected to events.

    • Every memory leads me back to that place,
    • I was surprised that she called them flashbacks because I always think of flashbacks as being images that come out of nowhere and knock a person on the ground and leave them writhing and screaming or incapacitated. I’m not incapacitated by them they’re just…unsettling, unwelcome, immovable and disturbing.

    • Sometimes it feels like we have nothing important to say but I know that’s not true, and I know sometimes just seeing another person’s words can make a difference for a someone (including me/us).

    • Everyday activities are a challenge when there is an internal mutiny and external threats.  Forces that seem to put me in the same scared and powerless position I was in as a child are not helping me focus on healing. I am so frustrated having to keep secrets as an adult and not being able to talk about things that continue to affect my life.
    • The thing is that I can't see why feeling emotions has a purpose.  How can this be productive? Emotions are messy and keeps one from seeing with clarity.  I am here stuck in the emotions and I don't like it.  There are things I need to be doing to keep my home stable/secure and I don't know how to set the emotions aside.  The resources I had internally are not there and they refuse to help. 
      • I keep trying to understand why what I was doing before, setting emotions aside, not getting caught up in there so I can do what needed to be done, is any different from feeling the emotions, setting them aside so I can do what I need to do. 
      • Maybe I was functioning in a cohesive way before by pulling resources from the parts who were appropriate for the job.

    • I think it goes without saying that we all know what it is like to experience difficult emotions, sensations, memories, etc.  For me, it changes depending on the part who is associated with the trauma.  Some parts seem to kick up a lot of body sensations (nausea, dry heaving, diarrhea, stomach growling loudly, headache, fatigue/tiredness, etc.) in response to stress.  I have had other times where a part has specifically kicked up severe depression or anxiety.  These are all the types of trauma reactions that get so overwhelming that I dissociate or get stuck in severely numbed state and cannot function.

    • I like my colors. What would happen if I were to say “leave me alone”? Isn’t he supposed to specialize in alter crap? Colors were not part of the deal.

    • Anxious energy has a much greater (?inevitable) propensity to turn into an emotional meltdown.

    • It's hard to know how to feel about the prospect of integration: alters becoming one more unified person. Although it would surely make for an easier life, the thought of the little ones growing up can be very hard and sadness is only natural. It's no wonder some people choose not to integrate.  What are your thoughts?

    • “this problem” the body memories that are going on a year and a half stretch overworked muscles and visit the body too many times a day to count
    • We fucking lived thru it, probably something that caused a split in people, a core split of which we don’t have the host to be the center at this time.
      • i think that most of us survivors went thru it once and shouldn’t have to be forced to revisit it over and over. our brain is fucked.

    • ometimes I wonder who would I have been ... had I not had experienced some of what I have?  have you ever wondered if there was....  something or someone you could have been?  would I have accomplished more? would I have accomplished less?  I'll never know..but I will always wonder... hell I wonder day to day... sometimes minute by minute..who I am?
    • ome multiples state they don't know the difference... between fantasy and reality....  I get that .. because some days I don't know the difference.... or I don't want to know the difference..

    •  And I spoke about fear and the fear that there is STUFF that I have been trying to keep out of my head and out of my therapy and mostly:  OUT OF MY THOUGHTS.  But trying to stay out of my thoughts means I am not really fully able to make my art, live my life or feel all of my own feelings.  I think that for a while now the more I've come to know more of my mind... the more I have wanted to shut down more some of my FEELINGS.

    • I couldn't even begin to tell you which item on the new blog came first, second, or third. I am going to try thinking hard. I think we knew we needed some place to put the information from our Google searches that we been talking about for such a long time. It is like they are building up a hole in our pocket. There were a lot of efforts figuring exactly how that would happen, and there was some fine tuning that just went on and on until just a few minutes ago.
    • The Plan B part was the part where our Google search references were going to go somewhere constructive and connected to our main site at Ann's Multiple World Personality. We didn't know how we were going to do it.  We just knew that we had to start working on it and that we would make editing changes of our system as we went. I wish I could have it figured out before we started, but it just doesn't work that easy some/most times.
      • Each time we move forward with one particular gadget, then we had to see what it looked like, how it operated, and how we felt about it, and then to see if it stood up the test of time while adding more and more other and element choices. I’d like to think we are doing our “designer thing.” J We will explain some of the smaller elements now.
      • We wanted to let people know that we'd really appreciate a dialogue or conversation taking place with DID/MPD issues because SOMEBODY should be doing this to progress the situation. The underlying question is always, “Can we agree that multiplicity is real?”  And, then if so, “What can we do with that knowledge?” This was a major point to get to when I realized that what we were doing was putting together the great conversation that we have been talking about for such a long time.
      • We find ourselves going over and over again the work in our OCD way of doing things to make sure that we've crossed all our T's and dotted all our I’s.

    • We have intentionally been running some experiments on ‘ourselves’, finding out . . . things.  What is what and who does what and what is for what kind of things. 
    • Aoela was created last year by ‘our system’ for our system’s “behalf”.  In our DID lingo ‘behalf’ means for the benefit of the system, the whole.  We often don’t know what we are doing when we do that.  It’s like the orders come from some unseen direction, some unseen force or ‘being’ inside of us – a Major Player and one from which ‘we’ are being kept from being aware of.  It’s always been quite a mystery to me
      • But anyway, she tried to ‘drive us away’ when ‘she’ was half-way created in us.  And in doing so we found some parts of some ‘others’ – wherethey come from we don’t know:
      • It really makes a difference.
         
        (and so that’s where our maternal love went, we muse and we are thinking, wondering if we ‘built’ it somehow out of a composite being – and where that ‘being’ – or a large part of ‘her’ came from . . . as well as those two mysterious children.   Their tales . . . they were ancient and strange if you believe them; they didn’t come from ‘us’.
         
        and we learned something about ‘us’ – how to manipulate the system; using it quite deliberately to accomplish a goal: consciously ‘switching’ beings in order to achieve an emotional state that is more normal and quite human – loving babies.
      • And – we ask out of curiosity from our DID friends:  Intentional ‘switching’ to achieve a positive effect and/or a positive emotion within you: have you ever experimented with intentional switching?  To achieve a specified goal?  Have you ever found yourself doing it unconsciously or deliberately, relinquishing control to another ‘someone’ who can a ‘job’ better than ‘you’, the host or whatnot?  Just curious . . . and curious about the overall effects of ‘using’ a system vs. the system using ‘you’.

    • Can someone help me.. How did you figure out your alters, and there personalities and how to classify them? I understand you don't always have them all out at once, but the ones you know of.... My head so jumbled I can't seem to do it. And I need help
    • DID doesn't always make sense to me but it makes more sense than not knowing what I have or just "depression". Your lovelies will also help you to understand and classify them more as well. They may let themselves be known.

    • Does anyone know if Fred Van Lente suffers from Multiple Personality Disorder? Because it certainly feels like two distinctly different people wrote the beginning and end of the first issue of the new Valiant Entertainment’s reboot of Archer & Armstrong.
    • So, basically four bucks for twelve decent pages to read. Even with the five page Ninjak preview in the back-up story slot, this issue hits your wallet like those old Image #0 issues. I can only recommend that you either start with Archer & Armstrong #2, or wait for the trade paperback. At least then, twelve pages of fiddling about won’t be 50% of the book.
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