Mind Mapping - the NEWS (slowly - work in process)

Thursday, August 23, 2012

***8-2212 & 8-23-12 News Items in RED meet Ann's standards as being on the Google Search IGNORANT LIST


    • i struggle before sunrise  to be ready for the day.

    • Today I am fragmented. I am split. I am compartmentalized. Some of my parts are acting on their own.
    • Normally this would be cause for alarm. Not today. My internal system has delegated things to different parts. Everything is covered.
      • I think things are going well. With the processing and letting things out. At least so far.

    • I am going to take the next week off of blogging to wrap up the summer.

    • Whenever we get e-mailed questions (about religion, DID, other mental health issues, etc.) that require a very long answer, we generally choose to respond by writing a blog post.
    • The future is so close.
      • We are in a strange place, mentally, right now. Happy...yet yearning for freedom, independence...and our future.
      • We've been asked, by an alter* of a system* who lives their life with acknowledged DID, advice on suppressing thier core*, specifically theirs. 
      • When someone with Dissociative Identity Disorder talks about their core, if they are able to (core/alter awareness varies among systems), they are talking about the one who makes many of the decisions for the system.
      • There is speculation, even among some professionals, that none of these methods are 100% effective and that there is no true way to eliminate, or integrate, cores or alters. 

    • The Eggshell People live in an Eggshell World with an eggshell mind in an eggshell house.
    • In our hearts we found our desire,
      • In our mind’s eye we defined our goals,
      • We perceive what is around us, knowing accurate perception is rare.
      • Protecting their culture from reality in order to build a reality around them.

    • She must make a personal choice now and no one can really help her.
    • I know what the mainstream is and things are just too different for me now and I know almost no one would understand.
      • Godspeed woman.
      • I did it because I made a decision. You will make a decision too.

    • He that would have the fruit must climb the tree.
       
      ~ Thomas Fuller, M.D.
    • As a treat I went to the Dairy Queen and had an ice cream sundae. It was very good.
      • I’ve been packing everything up lately and am happy to report that I think I am half-way done. At least I think and hope so. If not, I should be at that point today.
      • Still, I wish and hope that in the future I will be able to do more and not be so tired out.

    • Because of the limitations of my existence – both inner and outer – my home, my garden and my animals exist as a sort of oasis for me of safety, security, entertainment, what gives some meaning to my life, some structure, some sense of well-being and connectedness to the web of life which for me so seldom CAN include human contact and interaction.
    • I can think about my mother and about my father, about the insane abuse that happened to me (with my siblings suffering as witnesses) because they also did not recognize they had a problem at all!
      • Yet I can’t ignore the fact that I process related information through a series of personal filters.
      • As I do this I realize that I see two kinds of filters.  One kind allows us to filter out reality so that we can ‘ignore problems’ as if they do not exist at all – which allows us to keep on keeping on IN SPITE of what troubles us.
         
        The other kind of filter reminds me of purification filters that remove debris and contaminating toxins – like water filters.  This kind of filter for a human being must by nature involve some thinking and processing GROWTH work.
      • And I guess, as the above research mentions, what we keep and what we don’t allow to stay in our lives has to do with our brain’s ability to make decisions and choices based on what we find has value to us – or does not.

    • I find that no matter what I do in life, where I go or with whom, I always end up feeling guilty and being responsible for other people; most significantly for their emotions. It’s a strange thing, but I often wonder if one of the reasons we have a hosting team rather than one host, is so that we have enough bases covered to not make anyone miserable and to not hurt anyone.
    • Granted, a lot of the bad feeling is based on the comment she made in our first meeting regarding “those alter things” but also the fact she hadn’t even bothered to check google to find out what DID was.
      • I’m also starting to suspect that that is a large part of why our system is disproportionately large to the abuse – we have just continued to split to cope with relatively minor things.

    • It took me nearly 20 years to come to a point where I was content with being female. I never wanted my body to be female because I associated my female self with being abused.
    • I realized that my alters and I have a similar disconnect because we understand things and all different kinds of levels. Sometimes my alters understand life but sometimes they have no idea what simple words or concepts are especially sarcasm.
      • I had no control over the situation which is something that has taken me years to fully comprehend.

    • It is not about sex it is about power. Problem solved.
    • The mental health field is skewed towards the female view and all that entails.
      • Some times we are driven and it is about something almost worked
      • I can not know if i just happen to know how my brain/mind works on a different level or if it is different. It does not matter any more.
      • We do deal with the reality that many of us have had more time and they tend to need more time now as they deal with things in the now that take a lot of time.
      • The most common staying grounded in the present.

    • Before I do my great big blog read, I wanted to share some sailor girls I painted……..

    • I have briefly touched on earlier posts that before you can even begin working on the “meat and potatoes” of Containment, it is important for your System to work out any negative reactions you have to Containment. 
    • In the end I had a glimpse of clarity and felt more in control of my life.
      • Containment allows you, in a nutshell, to consciously postpone dealing with the overwhelming portion of your emotion/memory/image/etc.  You stay with what you can stand and then postpone the rest.
      • By containing the bigger portion of the difficult emotion/memory/image, you can better deal with the present. 

    • But if there is communication between alters and myself, between all of us, I can better know how to navigate the triggering things. 
    • I will listen. 
      • Processing is undoing the lies. 
      • I have sat and felt frozen today.  Unable to do much of anything.  The shock she is feeling is overwhelming.  The shock I am feeling is also overwhelming.   The trapped, hopeless feeling she has is overwhelming as well. 
      • And here we are.  We can do this.  I keep telling myselves that.  WE can do this.  WE are not quitters.  WE are resilient.  WE won.  They lost. 

    • I am queen of avoidance..if I can avoid something I will ..
    • And that's where the alters come in.. They each in their own way took the pain for me.. they protected me and allowed me to survive.....
    • 1 more annotation(s)...

    • One of the most helpful things to me in the last month has been scheduling my days the previous night. It motivates me to get out of bed, to do my workouts and to make sure I get done the things that actually need doing (even things as simple as showers and meals)
    • I’ve been texting my schedules daily to Therapist, and that helps me remain accountable for doing the things I said I was gonna do.

    • First day back at work today.  It was great to see people again (kids don’t come back until next week, though).  
    • But wow, I am super tired.
      • I did manage to get a run in this morning, and I’m glad I did.
      • I have had this dream before, of sleeping in therapy, and I think for me it must represent some ultimate level of safety.
      • I’m going to put my alarm clock across the room so that I can’t just reach over and hit snooze, and see if that works.

    • Wed. 15th - went with Rich out to the lake and then to dinner … had uncomfortable day with younger parts … Rich then gave a Slurpee, but took the older parts some time to talk, snuggled and then Rich left at midnight for fishing
    • Thurs 16th - considered dusting, saw Dr. Marvin again, up until 2:30 am, parts had problems because of being “out with mother” during Dr. Marvin’s session - no one to protect them from her - competitive sexuality, discussed getting Julie’s quilt being quilted after Jillian's wedding, posted news cycle
      • Well, I think this above is about where we are at … We’ve thought and thought for about 40 minutes and this is where we are at as to finding traces of what happened during the week.  We went through our facebook, emails, and blogs to put the pieces together as to how the week went.
      • We were really put-out of sorts last night when we had discovered the sexuality site that had been visiting our blog and pushing up the numbers. We have to deal with the curiosity of what all that is about along with the being abhorred by it.
      • Mostly, it's a matter of turning on the dishwasher, vacuuming, and bringing a load of clothes down, but you are very familiar with how much trouble we have with these kinds of things and we forget to be careful. Somebody talked to Rich about being his domestic goddess though and so I know that somebody has intent to do this work. I don't mean to slow them down, but it is time for us to actually get some time into the writing too which we've been remiss with. The benefit we have is that Rich is now not due back until about 8 PM tonight.
      • Right now it feels like it's been a long time since I've been out, and maybe that affects the system? I know writing in our personal blog has been a priority for quite a while though we were on hiatus with it for quite some time.  

    • I have faith and trust in all of you to understand and find something in each of my posts that perhaps you can relate to, I always find a word or two in each of your posts that resonates with in me.
    • Well it is asking the very same questions that I have been asking myself for several months now, what does the future hold for me? I have no idea, I have no long term goals like I used to have they have become superfluous, one day molds itself in to another and even I can’t tell the days of the week anymore, in truth I have nothing to do so I flow from one minute to the next, I have no competition like when I was in the corporate world, no deadlines hell I don’t even have the next project to look forward to, I also have no weekend warrior training to look forward to.
      • I mean look at just what he has had to deal with, with me. I am angry, I am frustrated I am up, down and turned inside out.
      • I am proud of him, and I hope that, that comes through to all of you like a beacon in the night. You may not understand it but this has been a good day for him.
         
        With much gratitude and devotion,

    • Quick post while someone changes someone’s diaper. :) I ran 5.5 km today in 42 minutes (pitifully slow for runners, quite great for meeeee).
    • (There is, however, a very cool adventure playground in town…as well as beaches, if I am brave.
      • I mean…it gets ridiculous at that point, to be whiny about it. But I am a little, inside, because I have been sort of muscling through some life burnout with the view that I would get to the cottage, get to write, drink a glass of cider on the porch and enjoy
      • I’m in the process of surrendering.

    • I don’t really want to talk about what’s going on with us at the moment, so I decided to do another walk down memory lane with pictures!  Enjoy _________________________________
    • “Things…changed. I…broke up recently with someone. I lost my job. And my house is being foreclosed on. It’s been hard.” She sighed and drew her knees up to her chest. “And now I can’t sleep.”

    • If only I could put into words what I’m experiencing at the moment. For the first time in the many months since I’ve been writing on this blog, the words just simply aren’t there. And on top of it, I’ve been having contradictory feelings about the blog itself…
    • The purpose of a blog is to share your thoughts/ideas/words with the world, and find connections through those words.
      • And I tried to stop. But then my internal world got spun into total chaos. Some of you may understand what I mean when I say this, I’m guessing perhaps some who have experience with dissociation and dissociated parts and emotions.

    • Roots to Blossoms courage to hit publish tilted my courage to write today's post.  The debate ran around like squirrels on a hamster wheel.  NewCounselor mentioned at my last session that I dress like a frump.  Shouldn't have bugged me, but it does.
    • My mother used fear to keep me from premarital sex.  She had worked in a children's hospital and told me of the deformed babies and birth defects of babies born of teenage mothers.  (She left out the part the early teenager years or those on drugs or any other qualifier.) 
      • Funny thing is I don't talk to other people about my kids very much.  They are precious to me.  I want to protect them.  I want more than anything to be the best mom in the world. 
      • I mostly shook off the feeling but kept necklines as high as possible to cover my nothingness.
      • Integration proved to be hard in some ways and the main way was the realization that all those weird clothes in my closet were all mine.  The shame I felt intensified. 
      • iding in ill fitting clothes that totally camouflaged and hopefully made me invisible. 

    • i know i am going to be ok. i know it because i have two moms.
    • We me and Alexa are watching pink, live in wembly in London on dvd. Its fab. Right now the song who knew is playing. We both love pink a lot.
      • But I still feel i am responsible. I feel like I should have seen it coming, I should have known. I didnt, I can honestly say I was blissfuly unaware.

    • Alternate personalities apparently can have alternate personalities of their own – ones ‘they’ invented along the way, and which therefore are a part of them.  A part of a part, like a sub-assembly.  For ‘me’ it seems to work in ‘groups’ of three, each major alter or former host having 3 (or more) alters of their own.
    • They, like ‘me’, may have actually suffered ‘brain trauma’ while they were growing up, trying to survive. 
      • But getting back to “alters within alters” (for that is how ‘we’ see them).  Seeing them as ‘groups’ helps; albeit that is not a very good definition.  Those “parts within them” can have as much effect on the system as the former ‘hosting part’ (or system) did.
      • It’s not that they were completely gone – just very hard to access, with huge gloms of them missing.   (Gloms, apparently means “gooey sections” – ‘his’ or ‘their’ words, not mine.)  Could mean ‘conglomerations’, which are assemblages of semi-blended (at the edges) personalities, or groups.
      • But it explains some things; albeit in a complicated way – but not so complicated.  Like a computer program quined each time for a new beginning; a fresh start.
         
        I’ve got a feeling ‘we’ve’ embarked on another such ‘voyage’ – reassembling, rebuilding

    • Adele R. Fors is a 4th-generation Jehovah's Witness and the ex-communicated  daughter/grand-daughter of two of the most revered church leaders within the  secretive Jehovah's Witness sect today.
    • ADELE, ET AL.: Jehovah's Witnesses, Hells Angels, Serial Killers,  Dissociative Identity Disorder and a 14-year-old Run-Away is the author's  response to the crippling experience she says began with the Jehovah's Witnesses  in 1983 and continues to this day.
      • Three decades later, she is diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder (a  severe and persistent psychiatric disorder) while facing her second divorce and  second bankruptcy. A workplace assault in 2009 sets the stage for a long,  debilitating fight for compensation and rights until, finally, she receives  official designation as a Person with a Disability. Since that time, she has  struggled daily to regain her grasp on life and to complete her memoir, a story  she will fight to tell.

    • This truly unique and exciting workshop promises to blend the dynamic  experiences of Olga Trujillo, a nationally renowned expert on child abuse and  trauma, and herself a survivor of Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), with the  academic and the professional wisdom of Dr. Karen Hopenwasser, MD, a leading  expert in the field of dissociative disorder and traumatology.
    • The condition remains poorly understood, and clinicians treating persons with  DID are often baffled by the complex array of co-morbid symptoms that can lead  to misdiagnosis and mistreatment.
      • This workshop will offer participants a lens upon which to view the fascinating  and visceral experiential component of the presentation - leading to increased  understanding of differential diagnosis, coping strategies, and the importance  of clinical attunement in the "listening" process. Emphasis will be given to  strategies that work as well as those that do not.

    • So. I have a trans friend who suffers from Multiple Personality Disorder (more  recently known as Disassociative Identity Disorder / DID). They tell me that the  large majority of their other DID-diagnosed friends are also trans. This makes  sense due to having multiple personalities with different genders. It's  definitely been a fun ride getting to know my friend and all of the people in  their system. Does anyone else have any experience with people who suffer from  this disorder? Trans* or not?
    • I suffer from a mild case of this, and I was in an IRC chatroom that my trans*  friend (who also suffers from it in a more extreme case than I do) pointed me in  the direction of. It was full of people who suffered from DID/MPD. 90% of them  were trans* as well. There were a couple of cis females, but mostly it was  trans* people, and the majority of them were MtF
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