Current and archived curated/annotated News in Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), or Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD) as collected daily from Google Search utilizing Diigo and by visiting blogs of other people who are also multiples.
--- by Ann M Garvey --- Anns are dissociative and believe being dissociative is something that should be treated respectfully.
Mind Mapping - the NEWS (slowly - work in process)
Monday, August 20, 2012
***8-17-12 to 8-19-12 News Items in RED meet Ann's standards as being on the Google IGNORANT LIST
I realize that I have, inadvertently, chosen to hide parts of myself from the world because of how people have treated me. I don't expect people to change – I mustn’t. I have to exist differently to claim any experience other than what I have before.
If my logic confuses you,
then maybe it is because you think differently.
What is it about someone/anyone, who has done you no harm, reminds you of a part of yourself that you are afraid to face? What old skeletons in your closet are reanimated when we interact?
We just have to be able to see, listen, explore, ask questions and be willing to be uncomfortable. Some times that involves agreeing to disagree. How else will we grow?
I have faith and trust in all of you to understand and find something in each of my posts that perhaps you can relate to, I always find a word or two in each of your posts that resonates with in me.
And what will consciousness mean if we as men can create it? What is divinity, humanity? What is anything, after all, if anything can be manufactured… We must preserve somehow, above all things, our sense of self, our identity. For without it, we are lost, like teardrops in the rain.”
I remember waking in my dream in that state my arm stuck behind my head and no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t move it.
Well it is asking the very same questions that I have been asking myself for several months now, what does the future hold for me? I have no idea, I have no long term goals like I used to have they have become superfluous, one day molds itself in to another and even I can’t tell the days of the week anymore, in truth I have nothing to do so I flow from one minute to the next, I have no competition like when I was in the corporate world, no deadlines hell I don’t even have the next project to look forward to, I also have no weekend warrior training to look forward to.
I have dreamt about my grandmamma. I loved her so much I cannot even explain it to you, she was the one safe place and person in my life and I would so love to see her again, even if for only five seconds.
Why wasn’t I good enough for her as a child or as an adult? Why couldn’t she trust that I’d always keep a place for her in my life? Why did she feel so alone in spite of the people around who loved her? And why did she feel like living was too big a risk to carry on?
Those are the questions I asked my therapist, and the look in her eyes showed that she felt every bit as helpless as I did. She said I was searching for a mother I never had but always wanted.
This is repressed grief in a fine form, folks. If you have had a recent loss, start your grieving and learning to cope now. Putting it off leads to a very ugly situation that can overshadow your life in many, many ways.
Slog-) to work hard; toil, to move with difficulty; plod, long exhausting work,etc.
I was tired and sore and everything seemed to hurt, my knees, hips, back, I had a slight migraine and as I felt like I was slogging through the whole two days. I thought to myself.” self, this is much like therapy, you’ve got to keep slogging through it and keep going, there is an end in sight.”
I would love to have a small studio/room to have a private writing space etc…then it occurred to me, I am getting ready for my next chapter, to start taking my writing seriously and be a serious writer.
I will continue to slog through them and appreciate when the path is clear and I have clarity.
Abuse is a word that carries a whole lot of baggage.
I remember the first time that I actually realized that my mother was abusive. I had been at a seminar about the misuse of power and control in relationships and I was exhausted from all the information that I was trying to comprehend.
I realized that my alters and I have a similar disconnect because we understand things and all different kinds of levels. Sometimes my alters understand life but sometimes they have no idea what simple words or concepts are especially sarcasm.
Then add into the mix another multiple and her dog, temporarily living in a back bedroom in the 800 square foot house that the husband, two kids, and you currently reside.
I expected we would get into a spat about something eventually. You don’t live on top of each other like this without having some issues with boundaries and personal triggers or pet peeves, even with the most mentally/emotionally stable average folks.
We need to work on setting up some functional boundaries or something because this triggering cycle is getting fucking old.
In 2008 I started seeing a Psychologist, something I had feared to do since I was 15 and had an inkling of being a multiple but had shoved it down hard so much I believed it wasn’t real.
He dealt with my shattered self and all the crazy ideas and thoughts I’ve had over the years. Yet he is still with me.
They are all just me, and in being such he wants them to be happy or at least ok with who/what they are. I have a lot of work to still do on me, but I can count on at least one person to be there beside me
I had stopped watching television as it made me switch, TV was very triggering.
Just over a week ago I decided once again to try and challenge my fear of TV and settled down to watch Curious George- a cartoon about a monkey, I love monkeys.
I feel depressed today that something so fundamental still evades me and I feel hard done by that DID feels the need to constantly remind you of its pervasiveness and sneak into every corner of your life.
@SoulHealr “If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.” ~ Mark Twain
@SarahEOlson2009 Harborview Center for Sexual Assault ~ Creating the Trauma Narrative [SEO: This free treasure trove of 11 .pdf client handouts can help you (preferably with your therapist's guidance) to create a trauma narrative -- to tell your story and help make sense of it. The .pdf handouts range from describing your feelings about being abused, how it has affected you, a letter to the perpetrator, remembering what happened, telling the sexual assault secret, and much more.]
I have mentioned this previously – something people who work with horses call ‘looking with soft eyes’. I wrote this post while sitting outside this morning and simply copy it now into a post. This was written with ‘soft eyes’ – meaning that I did not look directly at the topic I wrote about, but rather softened my inner gaze in such a way that some kind of inner truth of mine could appear in the following words – or so I hope!
All the usually less obvious elements of language come into blatant play — exaggerated facial expressions, extremes of tone, rhythm, prosody (the music of language), gesturing and body movements.
Yet I suspect on fundamental levels we all know that when survivors are in communication there IS something very different going on. We are, in effect, shouting across a great divide — and much of what is not literally carried in words, AS words, never gets transmitted across the vast space that exists between our worlds.
I remember considering what it meant in high school during the height of ERA (Equal Rights Amendment).
That was why creating the wall for Innercleavage became the main part of my photography show. Woman are amazing.
I felt like my childhood of romping with my brothers was much better than being crammed into these creepy ideas about what was feminine. I decided to redefine feminine for me. I was in college working on my engineering degree.
It is a work in progress, not complete or all encompassing, plus I believe a feminine woman is always in the process of evolving to be her best self.
I’d look at food, and it would morph into something unpalatable and impossible to eat… or, just the thought of food would make me have a panic attack. Often there would be no context for these previous issues with food, and they seemed like random occurrences. I could attribute some of them to stress, but not all of them… Now, things are different, it’s like I’m living in that space all the time.
But, I’ve been looking at the cereal in my pantry like it’s the enemy…
I find that no matter what I do in life, where I go or with whom, I always end up feeling guilty and being responsible for other people; most significantly for their emotions. It’s a strange thing, but I often wonder if one of the reasons we have a hosting team rather than one host, is so that we have enough bases covered to not make anyone miserable and to not hurt anyone.
I’m also starting to suspect that that is a large part of why our system is disproportionately large to the abuse – we have just continued to split to cope with relatively minor things.
She told me I had become a burden to her and she had to leave me to it so she had time for herself, because her own relationship was suffering due to the stress of this situation.
I didn’t reply. I didn’t want to in the heat of the moment. At first I felt shocked. Then the tears came. Not the silent type of tears, the messy type with big sobs where you can’t catch your breath and you saturate a tissue in ten seconds flat.
I guess I also feel like this is going to impinge on my abilities to trust again in the future. This is also scary – never trusting again.
General consensus is I should sort it out instead of ignore it.
I have yet to explain the situation. Part of this is because I’m worried about how I’ll be judged, but really I need to quit worrying about the judgement – I write this blog primarily for me, the fact that others read it and understand the situation is a bonus.
There was the fear that they wouldn’t be strong enough to handle the way I felt, my fear of abandonment and guilt that I had to rely on someone else, when I had always made the effort to only rely on myself.
It leads me to sit before this laptop and feel somewhat overwhelmed by the question: who is this “I”?
A big theme of my therapy is finding ways and allowing ourselves to express ourselves.
For my entire childhood I had to keep everything bottled up inside. Every single emotion- good or bad.
I write so many of these blog posts with no idea of who I am.
It takes a lot of coaxing for me to turn to pen and paper instead but that is what I am trying to do because as I found out today- if I feel I need to express chances are it is not just me who has things bottled up inside.
I guess I’m Jen – the modified host. A result of the system reorganisation that our therapist was referring to.
2) I look at it, get as much info about it as I possibly can, try to feel out the alter’s needs to determine what will help them lay the terror down and free me of their immediate pain.
I will discharge their terror though adrenaline rushes that come and go. I will discharge their shock and sadness through slowly taking it in until it starts to feel too unmanageable, then force myself to take a break from it before taking it on again. Eventually it loses its grip.
And something else I noticed that I haven’t been keenly aware of before is that when I am feeling someone else’s emotions/presence, I am very self-conscious around my husband. Like, I don’t want him to know. Or someone inside doesn’t.
And this morning when I sat down alone and waded through all the chaos inside, of which there was a lot, many people wanting to tell me or show me things about Doll, I realized much more disturbing info about her role.
Her self-esteem is derived by being put on a pedestal and if she is not, she hates herself and everyone around her.
Today it feels like I just went through a huge earthquake. I am trying to clean up from its damage while bracing myself for the aftershocks.
Bonds change, the break, they are broken and they fade away. They are all hard.
Repressed memories the way I am using them are the ones that are store in the reptilian brain.
The most common staying grounded in the present.
An yes the is was written in anger. I am angry at how much work there is left, how hard it will be and that I did not understand sooner. I was so close so many times then someone got in my way. It is hard is what it is.
The idea was to train you to not give an inch to not make eye contact or make friends.
We didnt want to face pain again and the best way of making sure that didnt happen was to stop any chance of pain coming by shutting down on the outside.
But grief still travels with us, it builds deep in the chest and sometimes lurches into the open in the strangest of ways, it has consumed us, keeping quiet eats away at every cell in our body, it keeps us trained to be ashamed and to live according to fear.
In the last newsletter, I talked about the crucial role identity plays in our online interactions. This time, we’ll look at the problems caused by having a multiplicity of identities. We’ve all heard of multiple personality disorder (formerly known as “split personality” and currently called “dissociative identity disorder” (DID) in the medical world. It’s a very rare psychiatric condition, but of course, to a lesser degree, we all put on different faces to different people or groups and in different situations and settings.
Almost all of us have multiple identities in the online world too. These usually manifest in the form of accounts
We don’t just project different personas when using different accounts; we often even use different names. If we’re security conscious, we keep those identities separate to minimize any widespread impact from a compromised account.
Yeah, it's that kind of film. It's a romantic comedy. It's a fun-loving summertime flick. It's ... a full-blown action movie?
"Hit & Run" is many things — so much so that it suffers from multiple personality disorder. Yes, it's a romantic comedy starring real-life couple Dax Shepard (who also wrote and co-directed) and Kristen Bell. It's also a heist movie, picking up the narrative after the heist-gone-wrong and dealing with the troubled aftermath. And mostly it's a car-chase movie with multiple high-speed scenes that show off the muscle of cars instead of men.
That's not to say this film is stupid in any way. The dialogue is easy and honest, and the story keeps your interest. As a writer, Shepard includes a couple clever traps that pay off in the end. The best of which is Charlie's tendency to resort to violence — to protect himself and Annie in life-threatening situations. Having studied nonviolent conflict resolution, Annie doesn't support that at all — and the conversations that happen as a result are both endearing and philosophically rewarding.
Much as you might love his dead-on impersonations of everyone from Denzel Washington and Will Smith to Jay Z, Lil' Wayne and Kayne West, do not dare shout out requests like you're hanging at the lounge in a Las Vegas Holiday Inn.
Or you might get an answer you didn't bargain on.
"It's happened before," said Pharoah, laughing while lapsing into an impression of Training Day star Washington delivering a beat down on a heckler. "I had to say, 'You wanna get your a-- kicked by Denzel? I have multiple personality disorder; that means you can get your a-- whipped by 24 different people.' "
He drew some notoriety online for YouTube videos he posted offering an astonishing 50 impressions in a row, switching effortlessly from Chris Tucker to Christopher Walken, Jack Nicholson and Owen Wilson.
In conversation, Pharoah can be mercurial as his impressions, slipping in and out of stories quickly as he dips into impersonations.
I appreciate the cordial manner in which Dr. Allen Frances makes his point, agreeing with several things I wrote in my lead essay, “Strategies of Psychiatric Coercion.” Perhaps one of his more important concessions is that mental illness is a myth. He makes several serious mistakes, however. He did not read and study the meaning and purpose of legal fiction in my essay. Additionally, he claims I believe in “worthless myths.” As readers will see, there are important reasons why people believe in and perpetuate myths concerning psychiatry and mental illness.
‘What premise does it (mental illness) assume?’ It assumes that the idea of illness is applicable to the mind (or whatever we mean by the mind). ‘With what proposition is it seeking to reconcile the decision at hand (psychiatric coercions and excuses)?’ It seeks to reconcile the decision to deprive innocent persons of liberty, and to exonerate guilty persons of responsibility, with the proposition that insanity is an illness which annuls free will and responsibility, and with the claim that so treating certain persons does not violate our commitment to a political philosophy of individual freedom and responsibility under the rule of law.”
Similarly, mental illness as legal fiction is clearly not a worthless myth. As I pointed out several times now, the premise of mental illness as legal fiction is that the mind can be diseased the way the brain can be diseased. Not allowing this myth to be challenged as fiction in the courts allows the state and its psychiatric agents to deprive persons of liberty without due process of law.
While symptoms may lead to tests, and tests lead to signs, disease is ascertained by signs, not by symptoms. Symptoms are unreliable when it comes to the accurate diagnosis of disease. Now here is the problem as it pertains to psychiatric diagnosis, disease and treatment. All diagnosis of psychiatric disease is based on symptoms alone. There are no signs of psychiatric disease. There are no signs of psychiatric disease. That’s why there are no psychiatric diseases.
Validity refers to whether or not a measurement accurately represents what it purports to represent, and reliability refers to the extent to which a diagnosis is consistent.
For example, some psychiatrists claim that multiple personality disorder is a type of thought disorder. Other psychiatrists claim that multiple personality disorder is a type of anxiety-based disorder, a dissociative disorder.
And what was a witch? A witch was someone who had made a pact with the devil. Now here is where the analogy between witchcraft and present-day reliability and validity comes in. A person could meet all the symptoms and signs of being a witch and still never made a pact with the devil. Of course, no one made a pact with the devil. Why? Because the devil did not and does not exist. Similarly, God did not and does not exist.
Bradley, this explains a lot... XD well your friends will love you no matter what and those enemies you have we're probably jackwads to begin with so they don have to understand . This explains a lot though . I guess when we talk I should figure out which side I'm getting in that moment . I support you no matter what mulitple personality disorder and whatever else is up with you so if you need me PM me cos I'm here and I'm not really going anywhere (except I do have work in an hour but when I get home around 1:00 my time I'll be on here) .
It's not impossible that you have DID, but luckily for you, you probably do not! It's not uncommon to feel like behaving differently amongst different people and different situations. Your GP will be able to help, and won't have to inform your parents if you don't want him/her to. Hopefully you'll get some reassurance
... you over analysed this too much and, in my opinion, have way too much time on your hands.I doubt you do have DID but see a doctor.
I am currently reading Everything You Need to Know to Feel Go(o)d by Candace P. Pert (one of the talking heads in the film “What the Bleep?”). In this book, Candace explores the connection between our body and our minds
If the body has the ability to morph so easily, the only reason we don’t all have perfectly functioning bodies is because we don’t think it’s possible. Even after sharing that it is possible, it’s still a difficult concept to accept.
This is especially interesting to me as an actor. Sometimes it seems so difficult to become a different human being, but your body does (and if your brave enough… your mind) have the ability to transform itself into another identity. This section proves to me how malleable we actually are. You can literally be anything that you want to be.
“My [the author's] theory is that there’s a normal state of MPD [Multiple Personality Disorder], not just a pathological state… Think of a time when you’ve been angry or humiliated and acted in a way that wasn’t “you,” yet you couldn’t change your reaction – even though you wanted to.
“From his observations of MDP patients, Allison coined the term inner self helper to apply to the one personality he observed that not only knew all the other aspects, but was also aware of events that none of the other personalities could possibly know, such as things that had occurred before birth… I think that the key to… feeling good is to train yourself to come from the highest possible “observer” – the sub-personality that’s most closely associated with the divine, or the higher self. The best way to get there?… meditation.”
she was way way overworked and not ok because from when she found out about stuff, she would never go inside. because in her mind, the only time she was inside was when bad things were happening. so she had to stay out to make sure nothing bad happened. but that meant she never got a break and wouldn't let the rest of us help her. when we were 28 she went into a coma very deep inside. when she came out of the coma a very long time later, she was in a very deep depression. the only ones who could reach her were the healers and the priestesses.
this poem was written by her. most of our poems we don't know who writes them, but she wrote this one. because she knew lots of things about some of us, but felt like she had no idea who she was. that she was empty. a shell to hold the rest of us. it wasn't true. but she didn't know who she was.
I don't know I.I know you.I know we.I know he.I know she.I don't know I.
Sometimes, I think about our future. He says he’d love to name a dog Fenway; I realize we’d have to have a second dog so I could name it Bronx. If we had a kid, his parents would buy our baby a Boston jumper, mine would buy a Yankee bib. Multiple personality disorder would ensue.
Like any good relationship, however, ours has compromise. When he wants to spend the evening watching a Red Sox game, I get bribed with a back massage. When he took me to Fenway Park, he was kind enough not to join in with the “Yankees Suck” cheers (very loudly).
That means more than just compromise. The Red Sox-Yankees rivalry is, after all, one of respect. When Red Sox icon Johnny Pesky passed away earlier this week, the Yankees held a moment of silence in honor of the legend. We love to hate each other’s team because they give us the fun of watching a good game. They give us something to root for, something to love.
It’s one of the most common plot twists in Hollywood — caught red-handed, the murderer claims to suffer from multiple personality disorder, says he has no memory of the crime, and points the finger at an alternate personality.
The study — conducted by Harvard’s Richard J. McNally, Rafaele Huntjens of the University of Groningen, and Bruno Verschuere of the University of Amsterdam — casts doubt on the “amnesia barrier” that has long been a hallmark of what is now called dissociative identity disorder (DID) by demonstrating that patients do have knowledge of their other identities. Huntjens was lead author of the study, which was reported in a paper published in PLoS ONE on July 17.
It’s that “processing lag” — measured in milliseconds — that demonstrates patients “know” a word is personally relevant, McNally said. If the amnesia between identities were real, that lag — the time it takes to recognize a word, realize it is not on the target list, and press the correct button — should all but disappear.
“For DID patients, the increase in reaction time was noticeable,” McNally said. “This shows that this information is leaking across the so-called amnesic barrier. The issue here is whether one identity is genuinely amnesic for information that is supposedly only accessible to the other identity, and the answer appears to be no.”
“For people who suffer from it, this disorder is ultimately a way to express distress,” McNally said. “Cultures provide certain envelopes for people to express suffering or psychological pain and DID is one such cultural trope. In the 19th century, women would do that by getting the ‘vapors’ and swooning — you don’t see that anymore. Quite frankly, I don’t think much would be lost if the diagnosis were eliminated from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual — people will simply begin expressing their suffering in different ways that are more tractable to treatment.”
Dr. Phil (Tracy is a married mother of four who says her life was forever changed the day she was diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder, more commonly known as multiple personality disorder. She says she has five personalities, or “alters”: Emily, a frightened 5-year-old child; Becky, who cuts, bruises, chokes and has threatened to kill Tracy; Susie, an innocent 10-year-old child; Samantha, “the CEO” and Miss Anne, “the caretaker.” Tracy says that she’ll oftentimes black out when an alter takes over and that the transition back to being Tracy can make her physically ill. Joined by her husband, Tyler, the couple says Tracy's alter egos and unpredictable moods are causing strain on their marriage, and they're struggling to explain her erratic behavior to their children. Is Tracy’s diagnosis real? Then, in a Dr. Phil first, Tracy transitions between her alters onstage. Speaking as Becky and Susie, can Dr. Phil gather insight into Tracy’s disorder? Tracy’s therapist, Dr. Peggy Avent, joins the show and explains her diagnosis. Could a secret from Tracy’s childhood hold the key to understanding her illness? Tracy’s mom, Sandy, weighs in and shares why she blames herself.) [Check Show Times]
By Peter Reuell, Harvard Staff Writer / August 19, 2012
A study conducted by Professor of Psychology Richard J. McNally and colleagues from the University of Groningen and the University of Amsterdam is casting doubt on the “amnesia barrier” that has long been a hallmark of multiple personality disorder, now called dissociative identity disorder, by demonstrating that patients have knowledge of their other identities.
for those who leaves in the USA bob larson can help u, u don t have to leave the rest of your life as slave...alters , demons will vanish...please check his videos on youtube....there is an and to this mess...for those who are under medication...drop it and seek an exorcism from the pastor...
When remembering traumatic events, memory doesn't work like a VCR that can be played back later, verbatim. Instead you store an emotion-tinged experience in bits and pieces -- some of which may stand out more than others. When you later try to tell someone what happened, you are "constructing" the experience into story form, for understanding. This can make DID patients' histories confusing.
I've been told by a friend of mine that was taking phychology classes it isn't but I want to be sure.
Uh, yes, it is, actually, but technically it's called Disassociative Identity Disorder. Though it's much rarer and not as played up as they make it in the movies. However, this girl's professor could be one who doesn't believe it's an actual disorder. While most experts agree that it is, indeed, a real mental problem, a small fraction choose to believe otherwise, for some reason.Just more proof that one should always check multiple sources and form their opinion based on that rather than taking people's words at face value, even if they are a professor... that goes for you, too. Don't just take Yahoo answers as truth. Go ahead and look it up yourself, if you find time.
The word went unnoticed by my husband as did Doll’s longing and expectation for praise and adoration for her doll-like perfection. When it did not come, she started to grow frustrated. It increased upon arriving home to the point where I was walking around the house sighing and annoyed ready to blow my top. I knew it wasn’t “me” exactly and that was when I really started to cue in to what was going on.
And this morning when I sat down alone and waded through all the chaos inside, of which there was a lot, many people wanting to tell me or show me things about Doll, I realized much more disturbing info about her role.
As you might imagine, me and my whole system are in chaos over this. I don’t think it was Doll’s turn to reveal herself if you get my drift. It was purely accidental and if I wasn’t as self-conscious of these things, I’d have missed it.
Children cannot eat words. Blinded by starvation, they cannot see pictures. I wondered at the incongruity of this. Talent has value. It raises awareness. It inspires giving in others.
As the Founder and CEO of Plum Tree Books, I put out a call across social media for artists, poets, writers and photographers to join me in a Song Of Sahel.
Published by Plum Tree Books as a multi-media kindle and available on Amazon, the proceeds of the sales will go to SOS Sahel, an NGO working in the Sahel region of Africa.
Song of Sahel, brings together artists from all over the world, including the UK, US, Ireland, Spain, Sri Lanka, Canada, South America, India and Australia in the hope of raising awareness of the plight of the people living in the Sahel.
I am a big fan of casual games, and hidden object/adventure games in particular. They allow one to get some fun brain exercise, and are usually not very frustrating. Casual games are a great way to take a break from the hard work of trauma recovery and ride out the tough spots.
I just finished one of these games where the topic of the story is about a girl who has DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder). It depicts this somewhat exotic disorder fairly accurately, albeit showing inaccurate and even more exotic treatment.
Alters are always acting protectively but their reasoning may be flawed or based on lies they are believing.
For that reason, it’s really good for me to be able to come here, and share my truth, and be accepted as I am — however that happens to be. So thank you for being here, thank you for accepting and supporting me. It makes all the difference. <3
I want to write, again, because it’s my way of processing, but I don’t really know what to say. It was rough day today. There is so much confusion and uncertainty happening around me and I’m not able to process it thoroughly.
I feel pretty numb. My body has returned to it’s shut down, automatic, mode. I don’t like it
I feel pretty alone, again. I get discouraged at the thought of failing others expectations, knowing full well that life will go on.
Am I wrong for writing all of this? Is it not okay for someone to have a day here and there where thinking isn’t 100% positive. Is that even possible?
The problem with that is that we all have different levels of trials and triumphs, so what is hard for me might not be hard for you.
After all no one can walk away from a week of one person telling how perfect, perfect, perfect their life is, while making you feel that with a little more effect yours could be too, while the other person is constantly telling you that you are wrong, wrong in the way you feel, wrong in the way you talk, wrong in the way you think, wrong in the way you breath, and that you should just to it his way, although that would be wrong too. I have enough issues with my self-worth without being brain washed by two people who are supposed to love me because they are family, but all they do is tear me down.